It’s common to think that by focusing on ourselves and our problems, we’ll be happier. However, research shows otherwise. A study on poets found that those who frequently used words like I, me, my, and mine were more likely to commit suicide than those who used words like we, us, our, and ours.
Poets who took their own lives used self-focused words more often as they neared their deaths, while those who lived longer used more community-focused words. This ties into the issue of rumination, where our thoughts magnify our suffering. Thoughts that involve I, me, my, and mine are often linked with distress: I’m worried about this, I don’t like that. Nobody cares about me or my feelings, and so on.
These “I” thoughts heighten our sense of isolation. We start to see ourselves as broken or worse than others, feeling disconnected from them. On the other hand, “we” thoughts create a sense of connection, reminding us of our shared humanity. Our individual struggles are seen as part of the universal human experience. This perspective helps us to understand that our sufferings connect us with others rather than isolate us.
Cultivating compassion is a way to shift from “I-thinking” to “we-thinking.” Research shows that focusing compassionately on others’ sufferings brings numerous benefits: we become happier, healthier, more self-confident, less self-critical, and more emotionally resilient.
It might seem surprising that taking on others’ sufferings can make us healthier and happier. This stems from our intrinsic social nature. We’re more fulfilled when we connect with others, and we gain a sense of meaning and purpose from helping them.
Compassion can be developed. It’s essentially kindness meeting suffering. In compassion meditation, we first connect kindly with ourselves and then extend that concern to others. This practice trains us to consider both our well-being and the well-being of others. It reduces self-focused rumination, decreases our tendency to panic, and increases our overall happiness.