While Buddhism teaches that all beings have the potential for awakening and urges us to relate to everyone with kindness and compassion, I find it particularly challenging on social media.
We are living in difficult times, with society becoming more polarized and tribal. I’m often shocked by the resurgence of racism and the desire for authoritarian rule, which stirs up strong emotions when I encounter them online.
I want to share a few tips that I’ve found helpful when dealing with people I disagree with online. This isn’t advanced science, and I’m not claiming to be an expert—I’m just sharing ongoing, imperfect efforts.
Every interaction is a chance to improve our communication, handle conflict better, practice empathy, and more. It’s wise not to see every interaction as an opportunity to showcase your skills. I’ve fallen into that trap, and it always backfires. The goal is not to win but to connect more compassionately.
When faced with viewpoints we disagree with, our unpleasant feelings flare up just like our ancestors did when physically attacked. We respond to insults and disagreements as if they were threats to our very existence.
I try to notice when I’m emotionally provoked and take a break. I step back and recognize my discomfort, creating a mindful pause to evaluate the best way to respond.
It’s rare that we need to reply immediately. Often, the angry parts of our brain react quickly, while the wise and compassionate parts take more time. Giving ourselves time lets the better parts of our nature catch up.
Sometimes, deciding not to respond at all is the best choice. Some people are just trolls looking to provoke a response. In such cases, ignoring them might be the best option.
You don’t always need the last word. It can be tough to walk away from an argument, especially when it’s clear it won’t go anywhere and will just cause more suffering. While it may initially be agonizing, the painful feelings eventually subside—emotions are impermanent. In the end, I’ve always been glad to let someone else have the last word in a pointless argument.
I’m not advocating for merely experiencing our feelings to avoid conflict. Sometimes, we just need to recognize that a productive discussion isn’t going to happen. However, we shouldn’t ignore actual physical threats. I reported an individual to both his web host and the FBI for advocating violence against political opponents. Some threats should be taken seriously.
Always stand up for others and don’t ignore racism, misogyny, or threats of violence. Bullying needs to be confronted.
I find the golden rule helpful in online communications: the person I’m talking to is a human being with feelings, just like me. It’s important to ask yourself whether you’re trying to convince them or just hurt them by proving them wrong. Usually, we can’t do both. Criticizing what people say or do is tough enough, but attacking their character makes it even harder.
While it can be tempting to insult someone to change their mind, it rarely works. How often have online insults changed your mind? Insults don’t help; they just create more suffering. I try to catch even the subtle digs and delete them before posting because the other person probably won’t see them as subtle.
A beautiful exchange I saw on Twitter involved the comedian Sarah Silverman. After someone responded to her post with an offensive word, she empathized with his physical pain and invited him to choose love. This led to a dialogue where he revealed past abuse, and Silverman helped him find affordable medical treatment.
Remembering a saying by the Scottish writer, the Reverend John Watson, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle,” can be very useful. When I see someone being offensive online, I often say, “You can be better than this.” I don’t criticize them or their words, nor do I tell them how to behave. I simply remind them they are capable of acting differently. So far, I’ve received no angry responses. This phrase seems to resonate, acknowledging that we can often act better than we do. We all have the potential for awakening and being more compassionate.
Ultimately, connecting compassionately and striving for understanding, even online, reflects the true spirit of our potential for awakening.