We all face conflicts with others, sometimes even just in our own minds as resentment and irritation. Reducing these conflicts can significantly improve our lives, especially when they involve people close to us.
A good way to let go of resentments and practice forgiveness is by understanding that others’ thoughts, words, and actions come from a mix of genetic, environmental, and cultural influences. This may sound a bit complex, but it’s crucial to grasp.
We are born with certain genetic tendencies, like being confident, aggressive, or fearful. However, not everyone knows that our parents’ and grandparents’ experiences can also influence how our genes are expressed today. Early childhood conditioning further shapes our behaviors deeply. Whether we received nurturing or not, and the types of behaviors we saw around us, mold our brain’s structure and how we think, feel, and act.
Additionally, cultural conditioning influences our worldview. These various forms of conditioning guide the choices we make and shape our life events. These events can often reinforce our early conditioning. For example, someone afraid of intimacy due to childhood betrayals may choose partners who don’t care about their feelings, while an aggressive person might frequently find themselves in conflicts.
Understanding and empathizing with another’s background means recognizing that, from birth, their behavior has been shaped by genetics, childhood, and cultural experiences. Their beliefs and values are molded by these influences, making it difficult for them to change in ways we might want, like becoming more trusting or less aggressive.
Imagine if you had their brain and genes and went through the same life experiences. You would likely act just as they do. Realizing this can lead to forgiveness, compassion, and peace, as famously noted by Eckhart Tolle. This understanding also leads to self-forgiveness and self-compassion.
For those struggling with anger, like Pamela, it often stems from painful feelings that we haven’t learned to handle. These feelings seem terrifying but are manageable. Just like imaginary monsters under a child’s bed vanish when the light is switched on, our burdensome emotions often dissolve once we face them.
When feeling angry, examine what’s happening in your body, especially around the heart and gut. Accept those feelings and understand there’s nothing wrong with having them. It’s a protective habit developed over time. Treat the part of you that’s creating these feelings with kindness and compassion. It’s not evil; it’s hurt, confused, and afraid.
Practice compassion towards yourself. Reassure those parts of you that need support. By doing so, your fear will diminish, and your anger will lessen since it was initially a defense against your painful feelings. Accepting and managing these emotions eliminate the need for such protection.
Be kind to yourself. Accept your emotions. They are just parts of you seeking help and understanding.