We all face conflicts with others, and sometimes these conflicts are internal, manifesting as resentment or irritation. Reducing these conflicts can greatly enhance our lives, especially when the conflicts involve people close to us.
It’s helpful to acknowledge that everyone’s thoughts, words, and actions are influenced by various factors. We’re born with genetic and epigenetic tendencies that shape our behavior. For instance, our genes can make us more confident, fearful, or sociable. Interestingly, experiences our ancestors had, such as the kinds of food they ate, can also impact how our genes function today.
From birth, our early environment and childhood conditioning play significant roles in shaping our brain structure and behavior. The presence or absence of nurturing and the behavior we observe in early life profoundly influence how we think and act. Additionally, cultural conditioning molds our worldview.
These forms of conditioning affect our life choices and experiences. Positive outcomes may alter us for the better, but often our early conditioning is reinforced. For instance, someone who fears intimacy due to childhood betrayals might end up with people who neglect their feelings. Similarly, aggressive individuals are likely to seek conflict.
Understanding all this is what I mean by stepping into the shoes of someone you’re in conflict with. Consider that they’ve been shaped by factors beyond their control, from genetics to life experiences. Consequently, it might be very challenging for them to change behaviors you wish they would, like being more trusting or less aggressive.
Imagine you had the same brain and genetic makeup as the person you’re finding difficult. If you’d experienced their upbringing, cultural influences, and life events, chances are you’d act the same way they do. Recognizing this can lead to greater forgiveness and compassion.
Reflecting on our own conditioning can also foster self-forgiveness and self-compassion. For those, like Pamela, who struggle with anger, it’s often a reaction to underlying pain that hasn’t been addressed. Although these feelings might seem formidable, they are manageable. They’re not as terrifying as they appear; when accepted, they often dissipate, much like how darkness vanishes when you turn on a light.
Acknowledge and accept these feelings. Understand that they’re not a failure but a part of you trying to protect you. Treat these feelings with kindness and compassion. By doing so, you can reduce your fear of them, and in turn, your anger will start to fade. Anger tries to shield you from pain by pushing away triggers, but acceptance of your feelings eliminates this need for protection.