I’ve seen many people struggle because they can’t forgive themselves. Maybe they hurt someone, let someone get hurt, missed an opportunity, or made a poor choice. They end up torturing themselves over it.
People sometimes hold onto regrets and the resulting pain for years or even decades, finding it difficult to let go. Regret festers; it’s like a wound that never heals and poisons our being, turning into self-hatred and making us feel unworthy.
There’s no quick fix for self-forgiveness. It’s a process that can take years, but I have a few suggestions to help with this practice.
The past is done, and while we all know we can’t change it, we often replay events in our minds, wishing we’d made different choices. Recently, I told someone suffering from regret, “You did the best you could.” She disagreed. I asked her if she believed that with a bit more mindfulness or compassion, things would be different. She admitted, “Yes.” But at that moment, did she have more mindfulness or compassion? No. So she did what she could with the resources available to her.
That’s all anyone can do.
This perspective is hard for many to accept. We cling to the idea that we could have acted differently if circumstances had changed. While true, we weren’t different people then, and we didn’t act differently. Obsessing over an alternative past is pointless and painful.
We can talk about free will, but in any given moment, we can only choose from the options available to us. Sometimes, our ability to choose is limited, especially in situations of panic or extreme stress, where our options narrow drastically: defense, aggression, retreat, or paralysis. Right now, you might not fully forgive yourself, but you can take steps in that direction.
With practice, we can develop mindfulness and our ability to stay balanced, increasing our behavioral flexibility and options. However, this practice happens in the present, influencing our future actions, not changing the past. The past is past. You did your best with the resources you had. The best you can do now is to accept what happened and strive to do better in the future.
When caught up in regret and self-blame, we’re focused on wanting to do the right thing — but only in the past, which is beyond our control.
Focus on what you can do right now. This moment is the only one you can affect directly. How you relate to this moment determines your future happiness and wellbeing.
Self-hatred is toxic. It makes us miserable and weakens us. The right thing to do now is to bring as much mindfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and wisdom into this moment as you can. Let these qualities manifest in you to the best of your ability. You’ll be a better person, not in the past, but now and in the future.
If you saw a dear friend torturing themselves over past mistakes, what would you do? Would you tell them they’re terrible or broken because of their mistakes? Probably not.
You’d likely suggest they stop being so hard on themselves, let go, and recognize their good qualities, emphasizing that their mistakes don’t define them.
So, why not give the same advice to yourself now? Be a friend to yourself.
How we relate to ourselves influences how we relate to others. If we’re not empathetic and kind to ourselves, we’re unlikely to be so with others. Conversely, if we want to be better to those we love, we must start by loving ourselves better. Taking care of yourself helps you take care of others.
In Buddhist psychology, regret is seen as a skillful volition—a positive thing. Regret means encountering an ethical slip and wanting to be better. It’s a sign of having ethical values.
When we don’t understand this, we might freak out, taking regret as a failure or sign of being bad. Regret, though skillful, is painful, and we naturally associate pain with something being wrong.
The key is dealing with the pain of regret without causing more pain. Understand that regret is a natural part of being an ethical human. Be mindful and accepting of the pain of regret. Be kind, supportive, and compassionate to your suffering self. Practice self-compassion.
These are some ways to let go of shame, regret, and self-blame. There’s no magic solution. Progress will come gradually as you understand the pointlessness of self-blame and learn to focus on the present moment.
It’s never too late to start making positive changes, even for someone in their early 80s. Better late than never!