I’ve seen many people struggle because they can’t forgive themselves. They might have hurt someone, missed an opportunity, or made a bad choice, and they endlessly beat themselves up about it. Holding onto these regrets can cause lasting pain, often for years or decades, making it incredibly hard to move on. Regret can fester like a wound that never heals, ultimately leading to self-hatred, where one believes they are inherently bad or unworthy.
Forgiving ourselves isn’t something that happens overnight; it’s a long process. But there are some steps that can help you along the way. First, understand that the past is behind us, and we cannot change it. Yet, we often replay events in our minds, wishing we had made different choices.
I once told someone dealing with regrets, “You did the best you could.” They didn’t believe me, thinking that with more mindfulness or compassion, things could have turned out differently. But at that moment, they didn’t have those resources. They did the best they could with what they had. That’s all any of us can do.
This idea can be tough to accept. We often think that with a different set of circumstances, we would have made different choices. And while that’s true, it’s also irrelevant because we aren’t different people now. Obsessing over alternative pasts only brings more pain.
It’s important to realize we can only choose from the options available to us at any given moment, and sometimes our choices are limited, especially in stressful situations. Although we might not be able to fully forgive ourselves right now, we can work towards it.
By practicing mindfulness, we can stay balanced and open up more choices for ourselves in the future. This practice is about the present moment, not the past. The best we can do now is accept what happened and strive to do better moving forward.
When filled with regret and self-blame, we’re focused on doing the right thing—but in the past where we have no control. Instead, we should focus on what we can do right now. This moment is all we can directly influence, and how we handle it will shape our future happiness and well-being.
Self-hatred is toxic and counterproductive. It makes us miserable and weakens us. The best thing to do now is to bring mindfulness, compassion, forgiveness, and wisdom into this moment. By manifesting these qualities, you’ll become a better person—not in the past, but now and in the future.
Think about what you would say to a friend torturing themselves over past mistakes. You wouldn’t tell them they are terrible or broken. Instead, you’d likely tell them to be kind to themselves, let go of the past, and recognize their good qualities.
If you could give this advice to a friend, why not offer it to yourself? Be your own friend. The way we treat ourselves forms a pattern for how we treat others. If we’re kind to ourselves, we’re more likely to be kind to others. Conversely, harsh self-judgment often leads to judging others harshly.
If you want to improve your relationships with others, start by improving how you treat yourself. Taking care of yourself helps you care for others better.
In Buddhist psychology, regret is considered a skillful volition, meaning it’s a positive reaction to recognizing an ethical lapse. It’s a sign that you want to be a better person and that you have ethical values. But we often misinterpret regret as a sign of failure or inherent badness because it’s painful, and we naturally assume pain means something is wrong.
The key is to handle the pain of regret without causing more pain. Understand that regret is a natural part of having ethical values. Be mindful of it, accept the pain, and treat the suffering part of yourself with kindness and compassion. This is practicing self-compassion.
These ideas can help you release shame, regret, and self-blame. Progress might be slow, but over time, as you gain insights into the futility and pain of self-blame, you’ll learn to focus more on the present moment.
If you’re keen to learn more about forgiveness and other spiritual practices, consider exploring resources available through meditation initiatives. It’s encouraging to see people, even in their later years, making positive changes and learning about Buddhism. Remember, it’s never too late to start.
If you find this helpful, I hope it can assist others on their journey of self-forgiveness and personal growth.