A crucial aspect of being human, and specifically a primate, is something psychologists call “theory of mind.” This is the ability to understand and attribute mental states—like beliefs, intentions, desires, plans, knowledge, and thoughts—to other people. For instance, when you need to deliver bad news, you consider that the person might get upset, and you adjust your approach accordingly. Or, when explaining something to someone else, you might anticipate questions they could ask. This is you using your theory of mind.
It’s such an ingrained part of our daily lives that we don’t usually think twice about it. However, this can lead to problems. Firstly, we sometimes get it wrong and misinterpret what others are thinking. Secondly, these incorrect assumptions can cause us unnecessary suffering.
Take my experience with hair loss as an example. My hair has been thinning for years, and I used to worry that people judged me for it, thinking it looked unattractive or laughable. When I started questioning this belief, I realized that when I saw men balder than me, I didn’t think anything negative about them. In many cases, a completely bald head looked cool, striking, or attractive to me. This made me rethink my faulty assumptions and replace them with a more accurate perspective.
Many people worry about their appearance, obsessing over the size and shape of their noses, chins, ears, the texture of their skin, or their weight. Most of these worries stem from the negative assumptions we make about others judging us. While judgment exists and some people are very judgmental, we often overestimate how harshly others view us, causing us undue stress.
The theory of mind is vital and develops as we grow. The issue arises when we fail to verify our assumptions, especially the negative ones, about what others think. Psychologists call this “mind-reading,” where we make unchecked guesses about others’ thoughts.
We often walk around assuming we know precisely what others feel or believe, as if we have mind-reading abilities. For example, I’ve avoided asking for help because I assumed the answer would be no—mind-reading! I’ve also thought that friendly people might secretly dislike me—mind-reading! I’ve concluded that some people find me boring with no real evidence—mind-reading!
This habit of mind-reading can make us anxious because we are social beings who thrive on acceptance. When we feel judged or rejected—or assume we are—it causes anxiety and depression. Recognizing and questioning these assumptions can help.
The antidote to mind-reading, according to Korean Zen teacher Seung Sahn, is adopting a “don’t-know mind.” This means dropping our opinions and assumptions and accepting that we don’t know everything. While this can be a profound spiritual practice, it can also be practically applied by recognizing when we jump to conclusions.
So, keep an eye on your thoughts. Notice when you’re attributing judgments to others. Remember, this isn’t actual knowledge but your own fears projected onto others.
Ask yourself, “Can I be absolutely sure of what this person is thinking?” This moves you into a “don’t-know mind” state, where you can either drop your assumptions or check in with the person to understand what they’re genuinely thinking.
Stop mind-reading, and you’ll find you’re less prone to anxiety. I’ve been guilty of it for years, and it has rarely served me well. Even with people I’ve known for a long time, my accuracy in guessing their thoughts is around 70-80%.
Keep practicing, and you’ll see the benefits!