When we find ourselves in conflict or harboring ill will toward someone, it’s clear that there’s something about them that bothers us. But what might not be as obvious is that the key issue is the feelings that come up inside us. When we have hateful or critical thoughts, we’re actually responding to our own pain, not directly to the other person. Our inability to handle these uncomfortable feelings within ourselves turns into ill will toward others.
Hatred’s main purpose is to push away what we think is the problem—the other person. We figure that being unpleasant to them will make them go away. But this doesn’t work, especially when we’re socially connected to those people. Plus, holding onto ill will doesn’t tackle the real issue, which is our own difficulty accepting our internal pain. Instead, ill will adds more pain. If we examine our state of mind when we’re full of hate, we’ll realize it’s actually very uncomfortable and tight. Acting on ill will only creates more conflict, which eventually boomerangs back to us. It’s like taking a toxic medicine that only worsens the disease it’s supposed to cure.
Unless we learn to skillfully manage our own pain, we’ll keep developing aversions to it—and to others. However, if we start accepting our uncomfortable feelings, there will be no need for hatred.
In meditation, there comes a point where we think about someone we have conflicts with or dislike. When this happens, check in with your body and notice your response to them. Often, you’ll feel discomfort around your heart or solar plexus. This is the feeling we want to push away, and this is what we need to accept and treat with compassion.
Notice this discomfort and accept that it’s okay to feel it. You can even tell yourself, “It’s okay to feel this.” By doing so, you might find that you can handle the discomfort without letting ill will take over. However, if hateful thoughts arise, focus again on your physical experience and the feelings that come up. Keep reassuring yourself that these feelings are okay and treat them with compassion.
After going through this process, which might take just a few seconds, you’ll find it easier to look at the challenging person more compassionately. You might realize there’s something about their behavior that doesn’t work for you long-term. You might need to discuss this with them and ask for change. But now, you can approach the conversation more empathetically, considering both your feelings and theirs.
Happiness is something we can control by being aware of what causes our unhappiness.