One practice that has profoundly changed my life is self-empathy. When I first encountered the term, it was a revelation. I realized that I had never been truly empathetic toward myself, even though I had been practicing lovingkindness meditation for over two decades at that point.
My lack of self-empathy manifested in the way I would criticize myself during tough times. I saw any form of unhappiness as a sign of failure, believing I should always be happy. This self-blame led to deep depression, as I would compound my unhappiness with further negativity.
Over time, I learned to be more understanding and supportive of myself. I now see self-empathy as crucial for developing self-kindness, which is foundational for kindness toward others. Hence, self-empathy underpins the entire practice of lovingkindness.
To explain self-empathy, it’s best to show how it can be cultivated:
First, acknowledge that you’re a feeling being. You’re wired to experience emotions, and they are significant. Ignoring or suppressing them can dull your capacity to enjoy life and affect your ability to connect with others meaningfully. Self-empathy means accepting that it’s okay to feel.
Secondly, recognize that deep down, you want to be happy and to avoid suffering. This is a primal instinct shared by all sentient beings. Emotions have evolved to help us survive by guiding us towards benefits and away from threats. While we can override these feelings, doing so can lead to viewing emotions as weaknesses. Self-empathy involves being sensitive to our emotional needs.
Experiencing desires for wellbeing in a world where it’s often fleeting, and suffering is common, is tough. Empathy means recognizing that facing life’s challenges is part of being human, not a failure. Our evolutionary background has shaped us this way.
Combining all these points, we begin to see the importance of supporting and encouraging ourselves through life’s difficulties. As John Watson said in the 19th century, “Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle.” And the person we encounter most often is ourselves.
We inherently support ourselves by empathizing. There are various ways to show kindness to ourselves. For example, I often talk to myself (usually internally) when things get tough. Standard lovingkindness phrases like “May I be well, may I be happy” can be helpful, but using natural language can be even more effective. I might say, “I know you’re anxious right now, but I’m here for you. We’ve been through this before and have always come out the other side.”
Another way to practice kindness is through a gentle inner gaze. Think of how you look at a beloved child, pet, or partner with love and tenderness, then turn that same quality of attention inward. Observing yourself this way conveys a sense of support, which helps you endure tough times better.
Physical touch is another powerful method. When loved ones are in distress, our instinct is often to hug or touch them comfortingly. I place a hand on my heart while talking kindly to myself, reinforcing my support.
Some people think that self-compassion makes one soft, but the opposite is true. Research shows that self-compassionate individuals are the most emotionally resilient. Accepting and turning toward painful emotions is challenging but essential.
Over the years, I’ve found that the more empathetic and kind I am towards myself, the more empathetic and kind I am to others. Just as I wish to be happy and free from suffering, so do others. The empathy and kindness I cultivate within myself naturally extend to those around me, whether through a look, words, touch, or helpful actions.
This understanding and practice of self-empathy have significantly influenced my emotional resilience and ability to connect empathetically with others.