How we view ourselves internally can significantly impact our feelings. This isn’t just about our physical reflection but more about our relationship with our inner selves.
Imagine having a friendly conversation with someone. They acknowledge you, smile, nod, and convey that they’re listening through various small signals. They show concern when you discuss your difficulties.
Now, think about talking to someone who stares blankly at you, providing no feedback. Although their gaze is neutral, it feels hostile. This lack of acknowledgment can make it hard to speak, quickening your heart rate and causing a knot in your stomach.
A truly hostile encounter, where someone shows contempt, sneers, or rolls their eyes, can affect us emotionally for weeks.
Which of these three scenarios—positive, neutral, or hostile—best describes how you talk to yourself?
For many of us, it’s the hostile scenario. Our self-talk can be harsh and contemptuous: “Oh, I’m such an idiot. I’ll never get this right.” If someone followed us around saying, “You know you’re going to fail. Nobody likes you anyway,” we’d call that abusive. Yet, many of us speak to ourselves in this way. We often have an abusive relationship with ourselves.
But this can be changed.
In her book of weekly mindfulness exercises, “How to Train a Wild Elephant,” Jan Chozen Bays suggests an exercise called “Loving Eyes.” This practice helps us to look at ourselves kindly, as a friend would, rather than as a neutral or critical observer.
Chozen Bays encourages us to remember a time when we looked at someone or something with love and affection. I often think of watching my children sleep, but you might think of a partner, friend, or pet. Notice how it feels around your eyes and heart during this recollection.
Now, keep those feelings in mind as you focus on yourself. Using your inner awareness, become conscious of your body and the sensations within it. Look at yourself with friendliness and love.
Try placing your hand gently on your heart, saying to yourself, “I care about you. I want you to be happy. You deserve happiness. I want to support you and offer you kindness.”
In doing this, we become our own friend. Instead of treating ourselves as an enemy to be criticized, we show ourselves the kindness and concern we would offer to someone important to us.
This self-kindness is not selfish. When we are kind to ourselves, we naturally extend that kindness to others. By letting go of self-criticism, we free up emotional energy to engage and care more for those around us.
Remember how it feels when someone looks at you with friendliness and encouragement? You can recreate that feeling anytime, just by changing how you look at yourself.
We all need to treat ourselves gently, giving ourselves the warmth and affection we deserve. Being kind to ourselves is vital, especially since we’re with ourselves 24 hours a day.