We often act shocked when we notice changes, feeling like the universe has pulled a fast one on us. We might wonder, “Who’s that old person looking back at me in the mirror?” Spotting new gray hairs or wrinkles, we treat them as personal failures, almost as if we think we could have stopped time if we tried hard enough.
Sometimes, we don’t even notice change. Psychologists have long studied the phenomenon known as “change blindness.” One interesting experiment involved volunteers reporting to an office for a study. When they checked in, the receptionist said he needed to grab an information packet and ducked down behind the counter. However, when the receptionist stood up to give them the packet, it was actually a different person. Despite differences in height, facial features, and clothing, most participants failed to notice the swap. This shows our brains aren’t very good at noticing changes, even when they seem obvious.
We also tend to see others as unchanging, but understanding their impermanence can make us more patient and forgiving. Here’s an exercise that might help you experience this more directly:
Think about someone you often clash with, perhaps a close relationship. Maybe they have a habit that irritates or hurts you. Picture that person and the annoying thing they do. Notice your feelings and observe them mindfully.
Now, imagine this person as a baby on one side, unable to walk or talk, and as a very old person on the other side, frail and near the end of their life. Visualize them as a baby, as they are now, and as an old person. Then, think about that annoying habit again and see how you feel.
Most people find they feel more compassion or sadness after doing this exercise. The annoying habit seems less irritating when seen in the context of an entire human life. These feelings of compassion or sadness arise because we acknowledge the fleeting nature of life.
This awareness of impermanence helps us let go of resentment and other negative reactions. We realize that in the grand scheme of things, these irritations aren’t that significant.
I’ve found this approach helpful in my interactions with my children. Like all kids, they can be difficult. Whether they were throwing tantrums as toddlers or testing boundaries as teenagers, it helped me to see them not just as they are now, but also as the adorable babies they were and the mature adults they will become. This perspective makes their current behavior seem like a passing phase and allows me to be compassionately present as their father. The more I keep this in mind, the more relaxed and kind I am with my kids.
You might want to try this perspective with people you find difficult. Practice it when things are calm, so it’s easier to be compassionate when conflicts arise. This simple shift in how we see others can bring us calm, peace, and compassion.