Just like we can’t see our own reflection without a mirror, we often don’t realize our own behavior and attitudes unless other people reflect them back to us. There’s a lot of evidence showing that others often have a clearer picture of what we’re like than we do. While we can understand our own inner feelings and thoughts quite well, when it comes to things like intelligence, attractiveness, creativity, and competence, others can see us more clearly.
Assessing even our inner feelings can be tricky sometimes. In my role as a teacher, I’ve often heard people (usually men) say things like, “I don’t think I’ve changed after meditating for weeks, even though others say I’m easier to be around.” This suggests that we tend to project our mental states outward. For instance, instead of recognizing our own impatience, we see others as being too slow; instead of seeing ourselves as untrusting, we see others as untrustworthy; instead of acknowledging our unkindness, we think others need a good kick. So, when we change, like becoming more relaxed, we might not notice it directly. Instead, we might interpret it as others being more cooperative.
This kind of externalization is common when we first begin self-improvement. However, even after years of practice, I still discover things about myself that I hadn’t acknowledged, often only realizing these faults through the feedback of others.
Recognizing our own faults is challenging because we’ve spent a lot of time avoiding and hiding them. For example, I have habits of dishonesty that I wasn’t much aware of. I tend to rationalize and sugarcoat my actions, giving noble reasons for them when, in reality, the motives aren’t that pure. Sometimes I say something incorrect and then claim I meant something different. Or I speculate on things and try to convince others I’m certain when I’m not. I might think or feel something critical but present it differently to others.
I wouldn’t be aware of these habits if it weren’t for a friend who has a keen sense for detecting inauthenticity and feels distressed when people are dishonest. She demands honesty, and although I find her a bit intimidating, I appreciate her pushing me to be more genuine. I’ve realized that I like myself better when I live authentically, and I truly value our relationship because of this.
Reflecting on my life, I notice a pattern: I need to be with someone kinder to recognize my own unkindness; someone clearer to see my own confusion; and someone more honest to become more authentic. This self-improvement is something I couldn’t achieve alone. We all need others as mirrors to see ourselves accurately. It’s scary to have our less admirable traits reflected back to us, but it’s necessary and rewarding.
Additionally, I often hear lovely people express that they think they are horrible and unlovable. Sometimes, when my good qualities are reflected back to me, I’m surprised. Just like our faults, our virtues can also be forgotten when seen only by others. A true mirror reflects both our good and bad qualities impartially.
Thank you for sharing this honest and vulnerable post. It’s rare for people to openly discuss their faults, even when they recognize them. Your willingness to share encourages me to look a bit more closely at myself.
May we all progress towards the unattainable goal of perfection!