I remember a time shortly after I had learned to meditate when I was guided through a lovingkindness (metta bhavana) meditation practice. The instructor asked us to focus on our hearts, find the love there, and radiate it to all beings. But I couldn’t find any love in my heart. “Why is there no love in my heart?” I wondered. “Is something wrong with me? Maybe I’m a horrible person.”
This led to a 20-minute spiral into despair and self-loathing, which was probably not what the instructor intended. A few weeks later, a friend described the same experience, and I have since heard it from others as well.
The main issue here is that we’re looking for the wrong thing or in the wrong place. We often try to find a feeling, typically in the heart, where we associate love-related emotions. However, we should be looking with love, not for love.
In lovingkindness practice, we’re trying to develop kindness. You can call it “love” if you prefer, and I might use both terms interchangeably. Kindness is an attitude, a way of valuing others’ well-being. It’s about looking with respect, cherishing, and support.
When we look or relate with kindness, we often feel warm, pleasant sensations. However, these sensations are not kindness itself; they are just physiological feelings. While nice and potentially motivating, they are not the essence of kindness.
These feelings arise because we are looking or relating with kindness. If we seek these feelings without first engaging in an attitude of kindness, we’re putting the cart before the horse. Kindness or love, as I use these terms, are active desires for the well-being of others. We want others to be happy and at ease, which is why we treat them kindly and refrain from hurtful actions.
To cultivate lovingkindness effectively, it’s more helpful to focus on the experience of looking with love—having kind eyes. We can achieve this by recalling a loving memory, whether it’s of a child, a pet, or a partner. When you remember such a moment, your eyes and mind fill with qualities of love: warmth, softness, openness, gentleness, and care.
When these qualities fill your mind, they extend toward yourself and others as you turn your attention to them. In lovingkindness practice, we don’t need to search for love in the heart. We start by looking with love from our minds.
When we bring our awareness to the heart with this attitude, we might find warm feelings there too, which is a great bonus. However, without first connecting with kindness, we may find little or nothing in the heart.
If the “loving eyes” approach doesn’t seem to work, it could be because something is unconsciously blocking kindness. You can ask yourself gently what you could do right now to show a little more kindness. This might mean relaxing physically or mentally, smiling, or being less judgmental of yourself.
By letting go of barriers to love, you’ll naturally become kinder. In lovingkindness practice, it’s often unhelpful to search for feelings of love in the heart. Instead, recall the feeling around your eyes when you look with love. These feelings will likely follow as you shift your attention because kindness permeates your awareness.
If these feelings don’t arise or fade when you turn your attention to yourself, gently ask yourself what you can do at that moment to be kinder. By softening your attitude, you become kinder, which is the essence of the practice.
Love is not something we search for; it’s the way we look.