A woman recently shared that she struggled to forgive a colleague who frequently dismisses her great ideas without a thought. This has been very hurtful for her, and she spent several days wrestling with feelings of resentment while trying to practice forgiveness and metta, which means loving-kindness or simply kindness. Ultimately, she succeeded and was able to forgive her colleague. That’s fantastic—practice does pay off!
However, her story also highlights a common issue in the practice of metta. It took her quite some time to regain her peace, suggesting something is often missing in people’s practice of loving-kindness. One crucial element that many overlook is the importance of showing kindness and compassion towards oneself.
I sometimes worry about repeating myself, but I believe it’s essential to emphasize self-kindness when we’re hurt. I’ve written about this extensively in works like “Self-Compassion: Lovingkindness Squared” and “The Power of Self-Kindness.” My book, “This Difficult Thing of Being Human,” also delves into this topic.
When her colleague dismissed her, it caused pain. Whenever she felt resentment afterward, that too caused pain. Trying to wish someone well without addressing our own pain isn’t very effective. This isn’t to blame anyone—it’s a common oversight in practicing loving-kindness. Resentment is our mind’s way of protecting itself, like a spiky forcefield around our hearts. By recognizing our pain and treating it with love and reassurance, we protect our hearts differently—through love. This makes it easier to extend that love to the person who hurt us and to let go of resentment more quickly, sometimes within minutes or even seconds.
Ignoring our pain while focusing on well-wishing for someone else isn’t compassionate to ourselves; it’s unkind. Imagine walking past a distressed friend and not acknowledging them—that’s akin to ignoring your own pain. This lack of self-compassion deepens the hurt, causing it to protect itself with more resentment. The more we feel this resentment, the harder we work at being kind to the one who hurt us, keeping us stuck until genuine kindness towards ourselves shifts the dynamic and eases our heart’s suffering.
So, when trying to be kind to another person while neglecting our own needs, it can take a long time to move past our reactions. I didn’t always believe that self-kindness is a prerequisite to being kind to others, but my practice has shown me its truth.
Aside from acknowledging our pain, what’s a practical way to soothe it? Great question! I’ve linked a couple of articles for a more detailed explanation. Thanks for the prompt!
Thank you for sharing; it made me realize how much anger I’ve been carrying and how it, along with shame and embarrassment, has affected me for decades. I’m so grateful!
You’re welcome, Suzanne!
That’s beautiful; I needed this today. Here’s to more kindness for all, starting with self-love. Grateful!
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