Everyone messes up. Me, you, the neighbors, Mother Teresa, Mahatma Gandhi, King David, the Buddha – everyone. It’s important to recognize mistakes, feel genuinely sorry, and learn from them so they don’t repeat. However, most people tend to be excessively self-critical, continuing to beat themselves up far beyond what’s useful.
Our minds are filled with different sub-personalities. For instance, one part might set the alarm for 6 am to exercise, and when it goes off, another part might grumble: “Who set the darn clock?” Broadly speaking, we all have an inner critic and an inner protector. For many, the inner critic is constantly nit-picking, magnifying small mistakes into significant issues, punishing us repeatedly for past errors, ignoring context, and failing to acknowledge our efforts to make things right.
That’s why it’s crucial to bolster your inner protector: to put weaknesses and mistakes in perspective, to highlight your many good qualities, to encourage you to return to the right path even if you’ve strayed, and frankly, to tell that inner critic to quiet down.
Supported by your inner protector, you can see your faults clearly without getting swallowed by negative feelings. You can clean up any messes you’ve made and move forward. The point of guilt, shame, or remorse is to learn, not to punish – so you don’t repeat mistakes. Beyond learning, these feelings are just unnecessary suffering. Moreover, excessive guilt hinders your ability to contribute positively to others and improve the world by depleting your energy, mood, confidence, and self-worth.
Seeing your faults clearly, taking responsibility with remorse, making amends, and finding peace: that’s what self-forgiveness means.
How do you do it?
Start with something small that you’re still beating yourself up over, and try one or more of the methods below. They’re detailed, but you can get the gist in a few minutes or less. Then, if you wish, tackle more significant issues.
Here we go:
May you be at peace.
Everyone experiences times when they hold onto painful emotions like anger, sadness, guilt, and shame. Sometimes, these feelings are directed at others, coupled with experiences like blame, resentment, or doubt. These are times when we feel wronged and must decide how to respond, what personal responsibility to take, and whether to forgive. Other times, we are the wrongdoer, filled with guilt, shame, or self-doubt. In these moments, we must choose how to respond – not only by seeking forgiveness but by engaging in soul-searching that leads to genuine self-forgiveness.
The process outlined below primarily comes from Rick Hanson and includes insights about conditions of satisfaction from Molly Gordon.
This really helps. Thank you.
As a counselor working with adults with substance and alcohol abuse disorders, I have shared this many times. Many of them believe they are beyond redemption, but this has helped so many people. Thank you for sharing this valuable message.