The weekend my wife told me she wanted a divorce, she took our kids to spend a few days with a friend. Our children, who were four and six years old, had been at school all day, so I didn’t get a chance to say goodbye to them. My wife thought it wasn’t a big deal, but to me, it was a tough blow during a hard time, leaving me alone in an empty home for the weekend. Like many people, my first instinct was to eat unhealthy, fatty foods, and open a bottle of wine.
I believe evolutionary biology suggests that we crave high-calorie foods during a crisis to help us endure the challenges ahead. On a practical level, fatty, salty, carb-heavy foods like burgers and fries are comforting in the short term but usually make us feel uncomfortable, bloated, sluggish, and unhealthy later. I felt the urge to indulge, but since I was working on being more self-compassionate, I chose to make a Thai curry with fresh vegetables, which I thought would be healthier and more satisfying in the long run. I also avoided drinking alcohol, knowing it would likely make me feel depressed and self-pitying. Instead, I reached out to a few friends for emotional support, went for a walk, and meditated.
None of these actions made my emotional pain disappear, nor did I expect them to. But I wasn’t hiding from my pain or doing anything that would negatively affect my long-term wellbeing. In fact, I was taking steps—like exercising and connecting with friends—that would make me more resilient in the future.
The Buddha taught about the “two arrows” of suffering: the first arrow is the initial pain, and the second arrow is the added suffering from our reaction to the pain. But there’s also a “third arrow,” which wasn’t illustrated with an image. The third arrow is about seeking sensual pleasure as an escape from pain. It’s the pursuit of pleasure that can distract us from pain, even if it doesn’t provide any real relief. Emotional eating, drinking, and binge-watching TV might feel good temporarily but often leave us feeling worse.
Think of the third arrow as one dipped in a narcotic, numbing us temporarily but leaving an emotional hangover. The healthier alternative is practicing wise self-care, which helps maintain long-term happiness and wellbeing while helping us cope with painful feelings.
Wise self-care begins with accepting our feelings rather than trying to escape them. It focuses on long-term happiness instead of short-term pleasure. It’s proactive and mature, reducing suffering instead of creating more. It’s about growth and learning rather than being stuck in habits. Wise self-care is a conscious choice, unlike the blind, habitual nature of third-arrow actions.
Wise self-care isn’t just for crises. It can also help with the everyday struggles we face. For example, if you’re stressed by clutter at home, wise self-care might mean tidying up. If you worry about money, it could mean setting a budget. If you’re low on energy, it might mean getting enough sleep or taking a walk during your lunch break. It could also involve regular doctor visits, taking sick days when needed, meditating daily, or reading a book instead of watching TV.
Taking care of ourselves helps us support others because when we’re nourished and rested, we have more energy to give. In the long run, self-care is essential if we want to be there for others.