Just like we need a mirror to see our physical appearance, we often need others to reflect our behavior and attitudes back to us. There is a lot of evidence suggesting that others have a clearer view of our traits such as intelligence, attractiveness, creativity, and competence than we do. We might understand our feelings and thoughts better, but when it comes to these external factors, others often perceive us more accurately.
Sometimes, even understanding our internal state can be challenging. For instance, as a teacher, I’ve heard from people who say they don’t feel any different after a few weeks of meditation, even though those close to them notice they are easier to be with. This indicates our tendency to project our mental states outward. Rather than seeing ourselves as impatient, we might see others as too slow; instead of recognizing our lack of trust, we consider others untrustworthy; instead of acknowledging our unkindness, we think others need a harsh reality check. When we undergo personal changes, like becoming more relaxed, we might attribute it to others being more cooperative, not realizing the shift within ourselves.
In the early stages of self-awareness, relying on others to mirror our behavior is more common. Even after decades of self-work, I continue to discover aspects of myself I’m reluctant to acknowledge. It’s through other people reflecting those traits that I come to terms with my faults.
Self-deception can be tough to spot because we often spend years trying to avoid acknowledging our shortcomings. For example, I have a tendency towards dishonesty, which I manage to rationalize and justify in noble terms. If someone points out my mistake, I might insist I meant something else. I might speculate and then act as though I’m certain, or think critically but present something more agreeable to others.
One close friend, who has a keen sense for dishonesty and feels distressed by inauthenticity, has been crucial in helping me see these patterns. Although I find her intimidating sometimes, I greatly appreciate how she holds me accountable for my honesty. This friendship has encouraged me to be more genuine, and I find I like myself better for it, making me value our connection overall. It’s liberating to be called out on my flaws.
Reflecting on my life, I realize that being around people who are kinder, clearer, or more honest than I am has helped me recognize and address my own shortcomings. This growth is something I couldn’t achieve on my own. We all need others to reflect on ourselves accurately. Though it can be intimidating to see the aspects of ourselves we least admire, this process is both necessary and rewarding.
Additionally, I often hear lovely people wrongly believe they’re horrible and unlovable. Sometimes, I’m surprised when my good qualities are mirrored back to me. As De la Rochefoucauld noted, we tend to forget our virtues when they are known only to others. A true reflection shows both our strengths and weaknesses, impartially.