In the tradition I follow, loving-kindness (metta bhavana) and mindfulness meditation are considered equally important. However, from my observations, about a third of long-time practitioners have virtually stopped doing loving-kindness meditation, either practicing it very rarely or skipping it altogether.
Many people struggle with the first stage, which involves developing loving-kindness towards oneself. They often search for, and are encouraged to find, feelings of kindness toward themselves. If these feelings don’t emerge, they become anxious or despondent, thinking there’s something wrong with them.
For some, the entire practice is challenging. Again, when feelings of love don’t show up, they might believe they lack love. This can lead to a discouraging sense of failure, contrary to the practice’s intention.
I want to share a few approaches to loving-kindness meditation that can help reduce this sense of failure and make the practice more approachable, effective, and rewarding.
Often referred to as “loving-kindness” practice, I now prefer using the term “kindness.” The word “loving-kindness” is not commonly used in our everyday language and can make the practice seem unusual. Using the term “kindness” connects us with an everyday quality we all understand. Both kindness and metta involve recognizing that everyone is a feeling being who wants to be happy and avoid suffering. When we recognize this, we naturally don’t want to cause suffering and instead want to support others’ long-term happiness and well-being.
As you begin meditating, bring qualities of kindness into how you hold your body. It’s unkind to sit stiffly or force yourself into an uncomfortable posture because you think it’s correct. Find a comfortable way to sit that supports kindness and relaxation. Let your muscles soften, particularly as you exhale.
Simultaneously, avoid slumping or lying down unless you’re protecting an injury. Aim for a balance of uprightness and relaxation, embodying dignity and ease.
Remember times you’ve looked with loving eyes at a child, a friend, a lover, or a pet. As you start your practice, recall these moments. Notice how it felt around your eyes and extend that gentle quality inward to your own body. Observe your breathing body with the same fondness. Let it happen naturally without forcing anything.
Check in with your eyes throughout the practice. If needed, recall those memories of looking with kindness.
Kindness is rooted in empathy, but few people actively cultivate empathy at the beginning of their practice. I suggest the following steps:
Apply the same steps for anyone you think of during your practice.
I used to say phrases like, “May I be well. May I be happy. May I be free from suffering.” This made me think the goal was to be happy, but it’s really about becoming kinder. Often kindness brings happiness, but that’s not the main aim. Now I say, “May I be well. May I be happy. May I be kind to myself and others.” This constantly reminds me that the goal is kindness, and the word itself can be a trigger for feeling kind.
Avoid overwhelming yourself with words. When repeating phrases, give yourself time to absorb them. I say one phrase on an out-breath, take a full breath cycle, and then say the next phrase on the following out-breath. This allows time to internalize what you’re saying.
Initially, I was taught that metta bhavana aimed to develop “universal loving-kindness.” Though a commendable goal, it felt unattainable. You don’t need to consider everyone in the world. Instead, I follow the principle of “permeation” from the Vimuttimagga (path of liberation). In the final stage, I permeate my awareness with kindness so that anyone I encounter—in reality or in my mind—is met with kindness. This is what universal kindness means: meeting everyone with an awareness that they are feeling beings who want happiness and need support in their human experience.
If someone is around me, I meet them with kindness. For people I’m indirectly aware of, like through hearing cars or airplanes, I extend kindness to them too. If I think of people from other places, they also receive my kindness. This way, I’m not overwhelmed by trying to wish everyone well but instead meet whoever I encounter with kindness.
If you find “loving-kindness” meditation challenging, these practical steps can help smooth your practice.