Buddhist teachings often give the impression that intimate relationships are distractions or hindrances to spiritual life because they have been passed down by celibate monks. However, the Buddha himself described marriage as a potential source of great happiness. He believed that when both partners are faithful, charitable, self-controlled, and ethical, and they communicate kindly with each other, many benefits emerge, and they live comfortably. He even suggested that a happy marriage could be divine or angelic, akin to two angels living together.
Achieving such fulfilling relationships involves recognizing what could be called “The Four Noble Truths of Relationships.” While some difficulties in relationships are inevitable, most are unnecessary and self-created. Our goal is to first recognize the suffering we cause and understand that we are responsible for most of it.
Often, we act in ways that bring pain to ourselves and our partners. Examples include blaming, needing to be “right,” keeping score, thinking that the other person makes us feel certain ways, seeing our partner as the source of our happiness, using passive-aggressive hints instead of communicating directly, withdrawing affection as punishment, and using sex as a substitute for emotional intimacy. These are forms of attachment, and they typically involve clinging to our own desires rather than to our partner, which causes problems in intimate relationships.
Our task is to let go of these harmful patterns to make space for more creative, kind, and helpful ways of interacting. It’s important to note that not every relationship has the potential for this kind of fulfillment. If one partner is abusive and unwilling to change, happiness and fulfillment might be found elsewhere. However, if both partners are willing to grow and genuinely seek a fulfilling relationship, it is possible.
We need to learn to accept current difficulties without letting them define the relationship. This requires faith that the relationship can improve, possibly in unexpected ways, through mindfulness, honesty, courage, and kindness. This approach is akin to the “eightfold path of relationships.”
Being in a relationship is about realizing interconnectedness, where personal happiness is deeply tied to the happiness of the other person. Instead of focusing solely on our own happiness, we must consider the mutual well-being of both partners. Intimate relationships offer an opportunity for self-transcendence.
Maintaining a healthy intimate relationship is not easy and requires constant attention and effort. It demands the courage to confront uncomfortable truths about our own views and habits, and the willingness to let go of unskillful tendencies repeatedly. It involves humility, acknowledging that we don’t have all the answers and might not even know the right questions. Taking risks and exposing our vulnerabilities are also part of the process, but it’s through these challenges that joy and fulfillment emerge.