In one of my early experiences with lovingkindness meditation (metta bhavana), a teacher instructed me to find feelings of love in my heart and then extend that love to others. I searched my heart but couldn’t find any feelings of love at all. It was quite distressing because without finding love, I couldn’t proceed with the rest of the practice. How could I share something I didn’t have?
This failure to find love made me reflect on why I couldn’t feel it. Since this was the way the practice was supposed to be done, I assumed there was something inherently wrong with me. This thought was quite upsetting and led me to feel even worse.
The distressing feelings I had confirmed my suspicion that something was wrong with me, leading me to a spiral of despair and depression. Thankfully, the teacher eventually ended the meditation session, and I felt some relief once it was over.
Initially, I thought I was the only one experiencing this, but later, a friend described having the exact same issue during lovingkindness meditation. His experience mirrored mine – a downward spiral triggered by the instruction to find love in his heart.
By the time my friend shared his story, I had already discovered a different approach that worked better for me. Instead of looking for specific feelings, I learned to observe my heart and accept whatever was present, whether it was pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. Then I would wish well for myself and others.
Eventually, I realized that lovingkindness meditation is about kindness. It’s about being kind to ourselves first and then extending that kindness to others. Kindness is an intention, not a feeling. It starts with recognizing that we all want happiness, peace, and well-being. Kindness means wishing that others experience these positive states too.
Consider this: you’re a person with feelings, and your feelings are important to you. You prefer happiness over suffering, peace over trouble, and well-being over sadness. Now think about someone you know. They have feelings just like you. Their feelings are as real and vivid to them as yours are to you. They also prefer happiness over suffering.
When you realize this, you naturally don’t want to harm them. Instead, you want to support their well-being. This desire to support others’ well-being is what kindness is all about.
Sometimes, feelings of warmth, openness, or tenderness accompany kindness. These feelings are not the essence of kindness; they are simply byproducts.
Years ago, I learned a practice from American Zen teacher Jan Chozen Bays called “Loving Eyes.” It involves looking lovingly at a cute pet, a child, or a partner and letting an attitude of care and tenderness arise naturally. This practice can be extended to ourselves and others, fostering kindness through our attention.
Looking with love or kindness, whether with our eyes or through an inner gaze, helps bring out these feelings. And even if it doesn’t work immediately, don’t worry; it gets easier with practice.
For most people, lovingkindness meditation is effective if we don’t search for feelings in the heart but instead look with kindness. Whatever feelings are present, we can regard them kindly. If we feel sad, we can look at the sadness with kindness. If we feel neutral, we can regard the emptiness with love. The content of our hearts doesn’t matter.
So here’s a simple suggestion: Love isn’t something you search for; it’s a way of looking at things. It starts with compassion towards yourself, wishing for safety and freedom from suffering. This perspective can transform how you approach lovingkindness meditation and your own emotional world.