Yesterday on Mastodon, the only social media site I currently use besides a private online community for Wildmind’s sponsors, someone shared a link to a “love languages” quiz. I’ve heard about love languages before, originating from Dr. Gary Chapman’s best-selling book. The main idea is straightforward: people express and receive love in different ways based on their personalities. Recognizing these preferences can help resolve conflicts and deepen connections.
The basic concept is that we all have different ways of showing love and, consequently, may not always recognize it when others show us love or know how to make them feel loved. This idea resonates with my experience.
For instance, if my partner shows love by giving small gifts, but I don’t value material things and view them as clutter, I might not appreciate the gesture. On the flip side, if my partner values physical touch as an expression of love and I am more verbal in my affection, she might not feel loved despite my words of praise. Similarly, if I try to help, it might be seen as questioning the other person’s competence. It’s like speaking different languages.
After taking the quiz, I found there are five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. My top love languages were the first three. Reflecting on my relationships, I realized there are profound expressions of love not included in these five languages, so I wanted to share some additional perspectives on communicating love.
Looking with love and being looked at with love are powerful ways to communicate affection. As Jan Chozen Bays mentioned in her book, “How to Train a Wild Elephant,” we use loving eyes when falling in love or looking at a baby or cute animal. It’s a major part of loving relationships, whether with partners, children, or friends. Yet, it’s not one of the five love languages. However, I see it as a legitimate love language, although there can still be communication mismatches, as some people are more sensitive to loving looks than others.
We all have bad habits, and when I’m irritable, I try to apologize quickly and explain my feelings—stress, tiredness, or triggered childhood memories. Apologizing and showing vulnerability is a profound display of love and trust, another form of a love language not included in the schema. Some people might view apologies as weakness, leading to mismatches in communication.
The love I value most from my partner comes in forms of patience and forgiveness. When we accept and forgive each other’s imperfections, we allow each other to be ourselves. This mutual acceptance and acknowledgment that we are all works-in-progress reduce fear and the need to pretend we are perfect. Patience and forgiveness are significant love languages, although some may misinterpret these acts.
The deepest way to connect lovingly with someone is to share your spiritual journey—discussing your understanding of love, your mistakes, lessons, hopes, and fears. This kind of sharing transcends the usual activities of daily life, offering a profound sense of connection and even transcendence. However, mismatches can occur if one person sees these discussions as a debate rather than a shared exploration.
I haven’t read Chapman’s book, so it’s possible his teachings encompass these deeper aspects, but I didn’t see it reflected in the quiz questions. As someone who strives to improve my relationships, I wanted to share what I consider important in communicating love. We must not only speak but also listen and decode each other’s love languages to ensure that both partners feel loved.
Do you have other ways of expressing love that aren’t covered by Chapman’s book or this article? Feel free to share in the comments.