We all have a habit of being hard on ourselves for mistakes we’ve made in the past or things we think we did wrong, and forgiving ourselves is essential. Not forgiving ourselves often leads us to wish we could change the past, replaying events repeatedly and sometimes imagining different outcomes.
There’s a common myth about time that’s worth exploring. Let’s dive into it from an unusual angle by talking about golf. Don’t worry if you’re not a golf fan—I’m not either, and I don’t play golf. Just imagine you’re pretty good at golf. You’ve lined up for a short putt, something you usually nail. But this time, the ball doesn’t go in, despite your best efforts.
Sinking a putt involves countless variables. Every movement of your body is slightly different each time, introducing unavoidable imprecision. Factors like the condition of the putting green, the weather, your focus, and stress levels all play a role. So, missing the putt isn’t entirely your fault.
You might think, “If I could go back, I’d do it differently.” But even if you could step back into the exact same circumstances, you’d likely miss again because the exact conditions would repeat themselves. Even if you had the hindsight of knowing you’d miss, the conditions would be different, making it a scenario that never existed.
Applying this to our lives, let’s say you lost your temper and regretted it later. It’s natural to regret, but beating yourself up over it doesn’t help. At that moment, given all the conditions—your stress, your emotions, your physical state—it was inevitable that you acted that way.
You did the best you could with the resources and mindfulness available to you at that time. Thinking you could have acted differently is an abstraction and assumes our current state of mind can affect our past, which it cannot.
The myth to debunk is that resolving our regrets lies in the past. It doesn’t. The solution to our suffering lies in the present. Right now is the time to address regrets, learn from past experiences, and set intentions for future actions.
We can waste the present moment by beating ourselves up, but that doesn’t help anyone. Instead, we should use this time to act in ways that promote our long-term happiness and well-being.
The idea here isn’t that we’re entirely without choice or responsibility, but rather that mindfulness allows us to make better decisions. Without mindfulness, our actions feel predetermined by our habits. With mindfulness, we can observe our impulses and take action to change their course.
In any moment, we either have enough mindfulness to act skillfully or we don’t. Past actions were a result of lacking sufficient mindfulness or wisdom. Therefore, the key to fewer regrets and a happier life is developing more mindfulness.
We can foster mindfulness through practices like meditation, ethical living, joining a supportive community, attending retreats, studying mindfulness literature, and creating personal mindfulness reminders.
Recognize that self-blame is a waste of time. Accept that you did the best you could with the resources you had then. Ask yourself how you can act differently moving forward.
Forgiveness begins with understanding that solutions to our present suffering are found now, not in the past. You can’t change the past, but you can change the present, which will benefit you and others in the future.