We all tend to beat ourselves up over past mistakes or things we think we did wrong. It’s important to forgive ourselves, though. When we don’t, we often wish we could change the past, replaying events in our minds and regretting that things didn’t go differently. This leads to unnecessary suffering.
There’s a common misconception about time that’s worth examining, and I’d like to use an unusual example to illustrate it: golf. Imagine you’re a decent golfer, lining up a short putt—a shot you usually make. But this time, you miss. There are countless variables affecting your shot: your movements, the green’s condition, wind, your focus, stress levels, and so on.
If you keep thinking, “I should have made that putt,” you might get angry at yourself. But consider that even if you could go back in time, all the conditions would be the same, and you’d likely miss again. You might think that knowing you’d miss would change the outcome, but that means you’d be in different conditions, not the original ones.
Applying this idea to life, let’s say you lost your temper and said something hurtful. Regretting it is natural, but beating yourself up isn’t helpful. Looking back, consider all the conditions at that moment—your expectations, stress, how tired you were. You were doing the best you could with the resources available.
Regret assumes our current knowledge could change past actions, but that’s not possible. The solution to our regret lies in the present. Learning from the past happens now, as does our intention to act differently in the future. Using the present moment to blame ourselves is unproductive and painful.
This isn’t about denying responsibility. We always have the potential to choose better actions, but often lack mindfulness. Without mindfulness, our habits control us. With it, we can make choices that prevent suffering. Usually, we’re not very mindful, which makes our behavior predictable.
Imagine a heavy ball rolling towards a kitten. Without intervention, the ball hits the kitten, just as our habits lead to outcomes without mindfulness. But with mindfulness, we can nudge the ball away and avoid harm.
In any bad moment in the past, you lacked the mindfulness to do otherwise. Mindfulness gives us the flexibility to act better in the future. To have fewer regrets, we should develop more mindfulness through meditation, ethical living, joining mindful communities, or retreats.
Looking back on regret with mindfulness means understanding that self-blame is a waste of time. Accept that you did your best with the resources you had. Forgiveness starts by realizing that change happens now, not in the past. You can’t alter what’s already done, but you can make a positive change right now, benefiting both you and others in the future.
By focusing on the present, you can forgive yourself and set the stage for a more mindful, happier life.