Last night while chatting with a friend, she brought up the importance of setting boundaries and not saying “yes” to every request for help. I’m currently writing a book on self-compassion and realized I hadn’t included anything about boundaries. So, I decided to write this article as my first step in addressing that topic.
I might have overlooked the need to talk about setting boundaries because of my own biases. This issue is often more pronounced for women, who face greater societal pressure to be helpers and pleasers. Many women I know struggle with saying no because they want to be seen as agreeable, a term that oddly implies likability is tied to agreeing with others. Women are also often socially conditioned to believe that considering their own needs is selfish. Personally, this is something I’ve grappled with too.
Setting boundaries is a skill I’m still mastering. Sometimes I take on too much, either due to poor planning or excitement about new opportunities. This can lead to being overbooked, as I often don’t gauge how much I have on my plate accurately. Moreover, tasks can take longer than expected, causing a ripple effect on my schedule. Despite this, I have made a conscious effort to avoid over-scheduling and often do say no to requests, which is what I want to share with you today.
Practicing self-compassion involves protecting our time and energy. The key is to become mindful of our habits when responding to requests. Do you have a need to please others? Are you worried about their opinions if you decline? Do you fear missing out on opportunities? Mindfulness allows us to pause and assess whether acting on these desires and fears is wise.
These fears can indeed be powerful. If we’re conditioned to value others’ opinions over our well-being, saying no can be tough. We need to ask ourselves why it’s so important to receive other people’s approval. Often, we seek validation from others because we don’t affirm ourselves. I used to do this a lot until I started reminding myself that I am my own source of validation. This mindset shift made me appreciate myself more and become less dependent on external validation, leading to more mindful commitments.
Overcommitting not only stresses us out but also affects our ability to do a good job, ultimately disappointing others. Instead, we should want others to respect us for our integrity, not just our compliance. Showing courage in setting boundaries can actually inspire others and serve as an example of practicing self-compassion. It’s a courageous act to maintain healthy boundaries, showing that we care about ourselves and others.
When saying no, it’s important to be kind and mindful of others’ feelings. It’s not our responsibility to manage their disappointment. Saying no mindfully and compassionately is not about being harsh. You might also try not apologizing when you decline a request. Helping others is a favor, not an obligation, and when it’s not feasible, you have nothing to apologize for.
When declining, express gratitude for the opportunity or appreciation for their confidence in you. You can say you’re honored or wish circumstances allowed you to help. A well-delivered “no” can feel like gratitude and appreciation.
Balancing giving and receiving is essential in life. It’s important to find our equilibrium and be compassionate towards ourselves and others. Women, in particular, are often conditioned to be givers, but everyone needs to balance this dynamic in their own way.
In conclusion, setting boundaries is a practice of self-compassion that not only benefits us but also those around us. By being mindful and courageous, we can inspire others and lead more balanced, fulfilling lives.