Last night, I was chatting with a friend who brought up a valuable point about setting boundaries and not agreeing to every request for help. As I’m working on a book about self-compassion, I realized I hadn’t included anything on boundaries. This article is my first step toward addressing that.
One reason I overlooked discussing boundaries might be my own bias. This issue often affects women more, as society pressures them to be helpers and pleasers. I frequently hear from women who struggle to say no, often because they’ve been taught that considering their own needs is selfish. This mindset has impacted me too.
Setting boundaries is still a challenge for me. I sometimes take on too much because of poor planning, which is essentially neglecting my own needs. I get excited about new opportunities and forget to consider my existing commitments, leading to an overbooked schedule. Sometimes, tasks take longer than expected, which throws off my plans. Unexpected things also come up.
I try to avoid over-scheduling myself and often say no to requests, and I’d like to share some thoughts on this. If we don’t protect our time and energy, we’re not practicing self-compassion. The first step is to become mindful of how we respond to requests. Do you have a desire to please? Are you worried about others’ opinions if you say no? Are you afraid of missing out? Mindfulness allows us to pause and consider whether acting on these fears is wise.
These fears can be strong, especially if we’re conditioned to value others’ approval over our wellbeing. It’s crucial to ask ourselves why we need others’ approval so much. Often, it’s because we don’t validate ourselves. Years ago, I realized I was doing too much to seek approval from others. I adopted the slogan, “I am my own source of validation,” reminding me to appreciate myself for who I am and what I achieve. This helped me feel more secure and confident, reducing my need for external validation.
Taking on too much not only stressed me but also led to neglected responsibilities, disappointing those I initially tried to please. It’s more valuable to hope others appreciate us for our integrity rather than compliance. Practicing self-compassion through setting boundaries can be inspiring to others. Courage in maintaining these boundaries shows that we care about ourselves and others. Ultimately, our happiness doesn’t depend on everyone liking us.
We should be kind when we say no, mindful of others’ feelings without taking responsibility for them. A compassionate “no” isn’t harsh or condescending. It’s important to remember that helping others is a favor, not an obligation. Saying no is perfectly acceptable when necessary.
When declining, we can thank the person for the opportunity, express appreciation, and hope for future opportunities. Saying no can be filled with gratitude and respect without an apology. A mindful “no” can convey appreciation and create a positive interaction.
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Thank you for the reminder and tips on saying “no” kindly. Not saying no can also make me hesitant to ask for help, worried about burdening others. I used to feel guilty asking for help but now see it as offering a chance for others to feel good about helping out.
Balancing giving and receiving is key. Women often feel pressured to be the givers, but it’s important for everyone to find their balance and practice self-compassion. Thank you for sharing these insights.
Clear comprehension of our purpose makes it easier to say no when needed. This aptly-timed article helped me understand and gain wisdom from a recent experience where failing to say no led to a strained friendship. I tried too hard to be liked, which ultimately backfired. Mindful evaluation could have prevented this, showing the importance of compassionate boundaries.
Understanding that self-worth isn’t tied to constantly agreeing to help is vital. Thank you for highlighting these points and the excitement that can lead to unsustainable commitments. Sometimes, saying no is more considerate; an overcommitted “yes” can lead to letting others down, which is worse than a clear “no.”
Thank you for the article.