We all tend to be hard on ourselves for things we did wrong in the past or think we did wrong. It’s important to forgive ourselves. When we don’t, we often wish we could change the past, replaying events over and over, sometimes as they happened and sometimes imagining different outcomes. This leads to regret over a reality that never existed.
There’s a myth about time that’s worth looking into. To explore this, let’s talk about golf. Don’t worry if you’re not into sports—I’m not either, and I don’t play golf. Just imagine you’re decent at golf, lining up a short putt you’ve done many times. Usually, you make it, but this time, the ball doesn’t go in.
There are countless variables in sinking a putt: slight variations in your movements, the condition of the green, the weather, your focus, stress levels, and more. You miss the putt, which frustrates you, and you keep thinking you could do it differently if given another chance.
However, you can’t go back in time and replicate the exact conditions. Even if you did, knowing you’re about to miss changes the conditions. The idea that you “should have” made the putt is an unrealistic expectation based on a different world than the one we live in.
This reflection applies to our lives. Suppose you lost your temper and said things you regret. Regret can be natural and ethical without leading to self-blame. If you consider all conditions at the time—your expectations, stress, how tired you were—it becomes clear that losing your temper was inevitable. You were doing the best you could with the resources you had. Saying you could have done better if you had more mindfulness is moot because, in that moment, you had as much mindfulness as you had.
The myth about time is that resolving our regrets lies in the past, but it doesn’t. Our suffering’s solution lies in the present. Regret about past actions happens now, learning from the past happens now, and intentions to act differently in the future also happen now.
You can choose to use the present moment to beat yourself up, but self-criticism is unhelpful and painful. It’s a waste of the present moment, which could be used to promote your happiness and well-being.
It might seem like I’m suggesting we have no choice or responsibility, but that’s not the case. We have the potential to choose actions that avoid hurting ourselves or others, but often we lack mindfulness. Mindfulness brings creativity into our lives, allowing us to make choices that prevent suffering.
Normally, we’re not very mindful. Studies have indicated that our actions are highly predictable, driven by habits. Imagine a ball rolling down a slope toward a kitten. Without mindfulness, the ball hits the kitten. With mindfulness, we can nudge the ball aside, sparing the kitten. This analogy illustrates how mindfulness helps us make better choices.
When we act badly, it’s because we lacked the necessary mindfulness at that time. Cultivating mindfulness gives us more room to maneuver and make better decisions. To live happier lives with fewer regrets, we should aim to develop more mindfulness. We can meditate, follow ethical principles, join mindfulness communities, go on retreats, or study mindfulness through books and talks.
In the present, recognizing that self-blame is futile, we can accept our past actions and consider how we might act differently in the future. Forgiveness comes from understanding that the solution to our suffering isn’t in changing the past but in acting wisely right now. This present moment is where change happens, benefiting both ourselves and others in the future.