We all tend to criticize ourselves for past mistakes or perceived wrongdoings. It’s essential to learn to forgive ourselves. Without self-forgiveness, we often wish we could change the past, replaying events repeatedly. Sometimes, we imagine things went differently and regret that the alternate scenario didn’t happen.
There’s a myth about time that we should consider. Let’s approach it from an unusual angle—through the lens of golf. Even if you’re not into sports, you can imagine playing golf or mastering some other skill.
Picture yourself as a skilled golfer, lining up a short putt—a shot you usually make. But this time, for some reason, you miss. Despite your expertise, countless variables affect your performance: slight variations in your body movements, conditions of the putting green, even your mental state. You might think, “I should have made that putt!” and feel angry or disappointed. But the fact remains—you missed it.
You might obsess over the idea of redoing it under the same conditions. Yet, even if you could go back in time to the exact moment, you’d likely miss the putt again because those were the conditions that existed. If you argue that knowing you were going to miss would change things, that’s a different reality altogether.
This idea that you “should have” succeeded is an abstraction. It’s a hypothetical scenario rather than the reality we live in.
Now, let’s apply this to other life situations. Suppose you lost your temper and said some hurtful things. Regret is natural, but beating yourself up over it is counterproductive. At that moment, your actions were influenced by numerous factors—your stress levels, fatigue, expectations, even your blood sugar level. Given those conditions, losing your temper was inevitable.
You acted based on the resources available to you then. It’s easy to think you could have done better with more mindfulness, but at that moment, you had as much mindfulness as you did. The idea that you could have acted differently is again an abstraction, assuming you could change your past state of mind with your present consciousness, which is impossible.
The myth we need to debunk is that solutions to our regrets lie in the past. They don’t. The solution is here and now. Your regret, the lessons you’re learning, and your intention to act differently in the future all exist in the present.
In this moment, you can choose not to beat yourself up. Self-punishment and negative self-talk are unhelpful and waste precious time we could use to foster long-term happiness.
You might think I’m suggesting we have no choice or responsibility, but that’s not the case. While we always have the potential to make better choices, practically, we often don’t due to a lack of mindfulness. Without mindfulness, our lives seem predetermined by conditions. Mindfulness introduces creativity and choice, allowing us to act in ways that minimize suffering.
Most of the time, we’re not very mindful. For example, studies show that our actions and words are about 80% predictable, driven by habitual responses. Imagine a heavy ball rolling down a slope toward a kitten. Without intervention, the ball will hit the kitten. That’s life without mindfulness—our impulses cause potentially harmful outcomes.
With mindfulness, it’s like someone watching the ball and nudging it away from the kitten. When we lack mindfulness, it’s as if there’s no one to nudge the ball, leading to regrettable actions.
Mindfulness gives us flexibility. If we want happier lives with fewer regrets, developing more mindfulness should be our goal. More mindfulness gives us more options. We can mediate, follow ethical principles, join mindfulness communities, go on retreats, study mindfulness, or set up personal mindfulness triggers—or all of the above.
In the present, reflecting on past regrets without self-blame is crucial. Accept that you did your best with the resources you had and ask how you might act differently in the future. The key to forgiveness is realizing the solution to present suffering is not in the past but here and now. You can’t change the past, but you can create change now, benefiting yourself and others in the future.