We all tend to blame ourselves for mistakes we made in the past or think we made. So, it’s essential to learn how to forgive ourselves.
If we don’t forgive ourselves, we often wish we could change the past. We replay events repeatedly, either as they happened or imagining different outcomes, and regret that the imagined version didn’t occur. This leads us to a myth about time that deserves closer examination.
Let’s explore this concept through golf. Imagine you’re a decent golfer preparing for a short putt—a shot you’ve successfully made many times before. Yet, on this occasion, you miss. This miss is due to an array of variables: slight differences in your body movements, conditions of the putting green, weather changes, your concentration, and stress levels. Each attempt involves countless factors you can’t fully control.
When you miss, you might berate yourself and think, “If I could try again, I’d do it right.” However, even if you could go back in time to the exact same conditions, you’d still miss the putt. That’s because the original circumstances would still lead to the same outcome.
You might believe that with hindsight, you’d avoid the mistake. But in reality, this changes the conditions, creating a scenario that never existed. The notion that you should have succeeded is simply an illusion about a different world than the one we live in.
Now, let’s apply this to life. Suppose you lost your temper and said something hurtful. Regret is natural and healthy, but self-blame is destructive. When examining the situation, you see that your stress, fatigue, blood sugar levels, and other factors made you react as you did. At that moment, given your resources, your response was inevitable.
Regret is a natural response, but it’s crucial not to confuse it with harsh self-criticism. The past event happened under specific conditions, and with the mindfulness you had then, you reacted in the only way possible.
The myth about time we need to dismiss is that our relief from regret lies in the past. It doesn’t. The solution to our suffering is here, now. The regret we feel happens in the present. The lessons we learn and the intentions we form for the future are also happening now.
You can use the present moment for self-punishment, but this is unproductive and painful. It’s far better to focus on taking actions now that enhance long-term happiness and well-being.
Mindfulness allows us to respond more skillfully to life’s challenges. Without it, our habitual reactions often lead to suffering for ourselves and others. Being mindful helps us interrupt these automatic responses and make better choices.
Many of our actions are predictable due to habitual behaviors. But with mindfulness, we gain the ability to steer our actions towards more positive outcomes. Imagine a rolling ball headed toward something precious like a kitten. Without mindfulness, the ball hits the kitten. With mindfulness, we can stop the ball in time.
In moments when we lack mindfulness, we act based on ingrained habits. However, mindfulness offers the ‘wiggle-room’ needed to choose wiser actions. To cultivate mindfulness, we can meditate, follow ethical guidelines, join supportive communities, attend retreats, study mindfulness resources, or create personal mindfulness triggers.
When reflecting on regrettable actions, recognize that self-blame is counterproductive. Accept that you did the best you could with the resources available at that time. Ask yourself how you might act differently in the future.
Forgiveness begins with understanding that the key to relieving present suffering isn’t found in the past but in the here and now. While you can’t change the past, you can make positive changes now that will benefit you and others in the future.