I’ve been practicing Buddhism for a long time, and I’ve noticed that when people talk about attachment in intimate relationships, they usually focus on being too attached to the other person. Sure, being attached to someone can cause pain. When you’re newly in love, you might feel miserable if you can’t be with them or if you’re unsure they feel the same way. In a stable relationship, insecurity tied to attachment can lead to jealousy or fear that they don’t love you as much as you love them. These feelings are painful too.
Sometimes, attachment makes us fear our partner changing, as it feels like a threat to the relationship. It’s also normal to miss your partner when they’re away, although it’s healthy for couples to enjoy some time apart. These types of attachment are commonly discussed and shaped how I approached attachment in relationships for many years. But recently, I’ve begun to see that the bigger issue is our attachment to our own habits. Self-clinging is the main problem we face.
For instance, if you’re always criticizing your partner for not doing things your way, it means you’re attached to having things done a certain way and to using criticism as a way to communicate. If this negative pattern outweighs the positive aspects of the relationship, it’s going to cause suffering. So, can you be flexible in your habits? It’s not just about tolerating socks on the floor or hairs in the shower drain, but about finding new ways to communicate. Can you learn to be more playful or use praise and affection to encourage change instead of criticism?
Another form of attachment is wanting to be right all the time. When we’re attached to always being right, we believe it will make us happy. But this rigidity can make us unempathetic and lead to an unhappy relationship. Humility and empathy are crucial for a harmonious relationship. Can you let go of the need to win arguments and be right? Embracing the ability to admit your faults and be vulnerable creates a space for growth.
Avoiding conflict is another destructive habit. We think that ignoring problems will make them disappear, but usually, one problem is just replaced by many others. Courage means letting go of the habit of avoiding conflict.
Holding grudges is another form of attachment. We become attached to being the victim. This kind of attachment is like holding a hot coal intending to throw it at someone else—it only hurts us. Forgiving is a way to let go of this kind of attachment.
These are just a few examples of how our habits can cause suffering in relationships. Any relationship issue you can think of—whether it’s being attached to drama, dishonesty, ignoring your partner because of work or hobbies, or letting your sexual desires conflict with your partner’s needs—involves self-clinging.
The depth of our self-clinging is measured by how painful and difficult it is to acknowledge and change our habits. It’s painful to admit when we’re wrong, to communicate honestly, and to forgive. We often resist these actions and feel exposed and humiliated when confronting our habits.
While attachment to our partners is a real issue, I believe attachment to our own habits is the most destructive force in intimate relationships.