One evening, my son mentioned that he’d left his backpack in the car. Normally, this wouldn’t be a big deal, but he needed the items inside for camp the next day. Because of where we live, the car is parked a few minutes’ walk from our apartment. While not a major inconvenience, I was tired and busy getting both kids ready for bed, which meant I had to wait until they were asleep to retrieve the backpack.
Once the kids were asleep, I dragged myself downstairs, feeling grumpy and a bit resentful. It’s that feeling you get when you have to do something extra because someone else didn’t do their part. As I exited the building, I realized my negative thoughts were only making me more unhappy. My mild resentment was draining my energy and making me feel burdened.
Thankfully, a wiser part of me stepped in with an internal reminder: I was making myself suffer needlessly. I needed to drop my negative thoughts and focus on my actual experience. Realizing that it’s not life but our reactions to life that make us unhappy is crucial. Understanding this gives us the freedom to stop making ourselves miserable and to act differently.
One significant change we can make is to let go of our stories about events. In my case, I had a story about how my son should have remembered his backpack, how I should have checked, and how I’d failed in that task. I also believed fetching the backpack was a waste of time and that I could be doing something better. These stories were making me unhappy. To stop this, we need to shift our attention to our immediate sensory experience.
When we concentrate on our current sensory experience, it reduces our tendency to overthink, which in turn lessens our suffering. Our minds can only handle so much at once, so the more we focus on our body’s sensations, outside perceptions, and feelings, the less room there is for unhappy thoughts.
By directing my attention this way, I became aware of my body’s movements, my breathing, the cool night air, the darkness, the smell of the nearby river, and the sound of traffic on Main Street. I also noticed a knot of resentment in my chest. The key is to accept unpleasant feelings without trying to react or get rid of them. Just acknowledge, “There’s an unpleasant feeling, and that’s OK.”
This approach may seem counterintuitive because we usually try to escape or fix uncomfortable situations. However, turning towards our suffering actually reduces it. Without adding reactive thoughts, we’re left with just the feeling, which becomes more bearable. If you find yourself thinking your feelings are unbearable, return your focus to the feeling itself.
As I let go of my thoughts and observed my feelings, I felt more at peace. I even noticed some pleasant aspects: the cool night, the soothing darkness, the unexpected exercise, the fact that I was alive and breathing. In that moment, everything was fundamentally okay.