Lately, I’ve been having some ups and downs. Most of the time I’m okay, but these heavy, depressing feelings sneak up on me. It’s mainly because I’m always just barely getting by financially, and it adds a lot of stress. I have to constantly figure out how much gas I can afford, how to spend less at the supermarket while still eating healthy, stuff like that.
I’m not complaining since I know I’m lucky to have a car and not go hungry. I try to focus on the good things in my life, and usually, I stay optimistic, which helps. But over time, it can be really draining.
When these feelings hit, I try to remind myself of what I teach others: mindful acceptance. Years ago, my friend Padraig O’Morain shared a mantra with me, “My happiness does not depend on this.” For example, when he’s stuck in traffic, he reminds himself of this phrase. It helps break the assumption that our happiness depends on not facing inconveniences like traffic jams. By letting go of that assumption, we can stay calm and balanced, even when things aren’t going our way.
This idea can be applied to emotions as well. When I feel down, I remind myself, “My happiness does not depend on how I feel.” It might seem odd because we often think happiness is tied to our feelings, but this mindset helps me find peace amid those feelings.
Our experiences are multi-layered. We have feelings, and then we have our reactions to those feelings, often resisting the painful ones, which can make them worse. Sometimes, we don’t realize we’re resisting because it’s almost automatic. Acceptance is a less common response and takes practice. We can start by viewing our feelings as something external, like an observer. Notice where the feeling is, name it, observe its size and position, and see how it changes. Remind yourself, “This is not me. This is not mine. This is not who I am.” Even remind yourself, “My happiness does not depend on how I feel.”
The more we accept our initial unpleasant feelings, the more the secondary unpleasant feelings fade away. We’re left with just the initial feeling, which is okay to have. Trying to get rid of it only leads to more resistance and more suffering. If accepting a painful feeling seems like it’s not working, that’s just hidden resistance. Stick with it and let the unpleasant feeling be.
It’s possible to be happy even when an unpleasant feeling is present. This kind of happiness isn’t necessarily a pleasant feeling but a deeper sense of calm, peace, and wellbeing that comes from acceptance.
Saying, “My happiness does not depend on how I feel,” has been really helpful for me in finding peace alongside those crappy feelings.
It’s also important to note that acceptance doesn’t mean you shouldn’t strive for better circumstances. I am working on improving my situation to reduce stress. But until then, I focus on finding peace where I am.