I’ve had a lot of people ask me about the “near enemy” of compassion lately, so let me explain…
The “near enemy” is something that looks like compassion but isn’t. It’s like mistaking a weed for a useful plant. On the other hand, the “far enemy” of compassion is easy to identify—it’s cruelty or indifference to suffering, the exact opposite of compassion. But what’s the “near enemy” of compassion?
People often think of “pity” as the near enemy, but traditional texts refer to it as “grief.” Compassion can also fail when it turns into sorrow, which aligns with the idea of a near enemy since grief and sorrow are very similar. I believe there are three main things that can be near enemies of compassion.
First, we need a reminder:
– Metta, or loving-kindness, is the wish for well-being and goodness for oneself and others.
– Compassion is the desire to alleviate suffering, especially in others.
1. Your suffering makes me feel bad!
Grief is a feeling of loss. We might be attached to our normal, comfortable state of mind and feel disrupted by another person’s suffering. This interruption makes us suffer too, so we might turn away or want their suffering to end just so we can feel better. This isn’t real compassion because it’s focused on our discomfort, not on truly empathizing with the other person’s pain. We need to start by recognizing and accepting our vulnerability and suffering first.
Sometimes, thinking about someone else’s suffering causes heart-ache. This is normal, but we might react by focusing on our discomfort, making it all about us. Like when you have a cold and complain excessively, most of your suffering comes from your reaction, not the cold itself. To truly empathize with others, we must also be comfortable with our own discomfort.
2. Stop the world, I want to get off!
Attachment can hinder compassion when we feel overwhelmed by another’s suffering. For instance, trying to help a friend with terminal cancer might lead to despair because we can’t make things right. We might even become despondent when thinking about all the suffering in the world. Compassion isn’t about saving everyone because that’s impossible. We need to accept what we can’t change and focus on what we can.
The Buddha mentioned the “two arrows” of suffering: the first is the unavoidable discomfort from others’ suffering, and the second is our reaction to it. The real suffering comes from our mental reactions—worrying, grieving, and lamenting. We should aim to bear suffering mindfully, without adding extra mental distress.
3. Poor you!
Feeling superior to those we help is another form of the near enemy. When we think we’re better for helping others, we’re not practicing real compassion. The “grief” here is hidden under the guise of benevolence, but it surfaces when we get called out for our arrogance. Acknowledging our own vulnerability counters this. Remember, we all struggle and face suffering; compassion doesn’t make anyone superior.
Doubt can sabotage us. If we feel despair, it’s likely we’ve moved into the territory of “grief” or “sorrow.” The heart-ache of compassion is normal—it’s just the “first arrow.” Recognizing and working through these emotional traps can help us develop true compassion.
In summary, understanding these near enemies can help us practice genuine compassion, allowing us to recognize unhelpful patterns and improve our empathy.