Most of our suffering is caused by our own minds. When we think about past resentments, we often blame others for our pain. They may have hurt us once, but unless they continue to do so, it’s really our own thoughts that are hurting us now.
A 5th-century monk named Buddhaghosa wrote a text called “The Path of Purification,” which discusses how to get rid of resentment. He suggests asking ourselves why we would hurt ourselves if someone else has already done so. When we have resentful thoughts, we need to recognize that we are causing our own pain. Reflecting in this way might not stop all resentment immediately, but it can help reduce those thoughts enough to think clearly again.
Buddhaghosa wants us to understand how feelings and thoughts influence each other. Resentful thoughts trigger pain and anxiety, and those feelings lead to more resentful thoughts, creating a cycle. The Buddha described this as being shot by two arrows: the initial hurt and the subsequent thoughts that hurt us even more.
Buddhaghosa also offers other reflections. He notes that we’ve often let go of things that brought us happiness, so why not let go of resentment, which makes us miserable? He advises holding ourselves to the same standards we hold others to and suggests not giving someone the satisfaction of seeing us hurt by our own anger.
A useful practice to break this cycle is to notice where thoughts and feelings arise in the body. Lovingkindness practice is also important because it teaches us to be gentle and supportive towards ourselves. This helps us recognize when we’re caught in a cycle of resentment and respond with kindness.
While none of these practices is a quick fix, they can help us soften our resentment and find peace.
We often feel resentment in situations where we think we’ve been unfairly treated, sometimes blaming ourselves. A practice like “standing like a tree” meditation can help us notice our tension and thoughts, allowing painful feelings to fall away.
To decide whether to let go of a thought, ask if you’d be happier without it. If the answer is yes, let it go. In some cases, unpleasant thoughts are necessary for our long-term happiness, requiring us to confront uncomfortable truths.