Lately, I’ve come to realize that wanting to see yourself as a good person can be counterproductive. You might think it’s only natural to want to see ourselves that way, but let me explain why this can be problematic.
When you think of yourself as a good person, what happens when someone points out that you’ve done something wrong like being dishonest or inconsiderate? Because it’s crucial for you to see yourself as good, you might get defensive. You might even attack or undermine the other person to preserve your view of yourself.
I’ve noticed this in myself. When my partner pointed out a minor untruth in something I said, I found myself denying it. I’d twist my words to make them seem true or claim I meant something else. Clinging to the belief that I’m a good person actually made me stray further from being one.
A friend of mine faced issues with her boss, who dismissed her expertise and refused to justify decisions beyond saying, “It’s what I’ve decided.” This was undermining. When she challenged her boss, all she got was evasion or blame. Her boss wanted to believe she hadn’t done anything wrong and, in trying to maintain this self-view, ended up acting poorly.
Many people see themselves as good, even when they do terrible things. They minimize the harm they cause, deny wrongdoing, or justify extreme actions like theft or violence by thinking the other person deserved it. Believing they are good actually enables such behavior: “I’m a good person, so what I do can’t be that bad.”
The alternative is not to see yourself as a bad person either. That’s equally unhelpful. Instead, don’t think of yourself as any kind of person. This idea, taught by the Buddha, suggests that any fixed belief about ourselves leads to suffering. When these beliefs are challenged, we become defensive. We cling to these beliefs for a sense of stability: I’m a good person.
Not labeling yourself as good or bad doesn’t leave you morally adrift. It actually frees you. You can focus on two things:
1. Embrace your evolving nature, seeing yourself as a work in progress. Work on letting go of harmful tendencies and developing qualities that benefit yourself and others. The goal isn’t to arrive at a fixed endpoint but to be continuously striving towards betterment.
2. Instead of aiming to be a good person, aim to do good. Focus not on what you are, but on what you do.
This shift is significant. By not thinking of ourselves in fixed terms, we see ourselves as dynamic and responsible for our own ethical destinies.
I’ve found it liberating to recognize that my desire to see myself as good wasn’t helpful. In reality, I’m neither good nor bad. I’m evolving, and remembering this is liberating.