We are all influenced by conditioning that impacts our happiness and can sometimes make us unhappy. This conditioning actually begins even before we are born. Research indicates that if your grandparents experienced stress, it could alter the expression of your genes, making you more prone to anxiety while genes that keep you calm might remain inactive. We don’t have control over these events, and it’s not our fault.
Similarly, we don’t choose our early childhood experiences. Factors like how our parents interacted with us, whether they showed love or were critical, and their consistency in affection can shape our brain structure, leaving lasting effects. For example, growing up in a household lacking in affection and full of criticism has left me with insecurities, including anxieties about being valued or loved. I can be overly sensitive to signals that I’m not appreciated, leading to reactions that make me less likable—a self-fulfilling prophecy. This causes suffering both for me and those around me. While your experiences might differ, we all have conditioning that leads to suffering, and none of it is our fault. Recognizing that these aspects are not our doing frees us from self-blame.
However, this doesn’t give us an excuse to act poorly. As adults, we must take responsibility for our actions. Nobody else can do that for us. To achieve long-term happiness, we need to become more aware of our conditioning and understand its impact, especially on others.
I recently came across a social media post where a young woman noted:
– Dating at 21: “What do you like to do for fun?”
– Dating at 27: “How aware are you of your past traumas and how actively are you working to heal them so that you don’t project that onto me?”
This made me realize how important it is to be aware of past conditioning. In my twenties, I was in denial about these things due to my own conditioning, so there’s no use in blaming myself for that.
Blaming my parents for not being more affectionate or being overly critical is also pointless. They were acting out their own conditioning in a time and culture where people rarely considered the impact of their actions on their well-being and that of others.
There is no need to feel ashamed of being imperfect. We all are. Working with our imperfections is challenging because the tools we have are themselves imperfect. We are all trying to navigate the difficult journey of being human.
Understanding that we’ve been set up to suffer—through brain structure, genetic and epigenetic inheritance, and childhood conditioning—is crucial for self-empathy and self-compassion. We’re all flawed and suffering, doing our best to handle the complexities of life. Recognizing this allows us to be gentler with ourselves, as we would be with someone we love. Why not extend the same kindness to ourselves?
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