One of the emotional triggers for cruel and unkind behavior is resentment. Resentment happens when we cling to past hurt, locking ourselves into a cycle of blame. Unable to move on from the past, we keep revisiting memories of someone hurting, betraying, or failing to protect us. Each time we do this, we relive the pain. This repeated hurt fuels our negative feelings.
There’s a common misconception that we store old emotions in our subconscious, which resurface from time to time. This idea traces back to Freud and is grounded in an outdated model of emotion. While it might seem plausible, especially since we often feel the hurt related to old memories, it’s not accurate. Both Buddhist teachings and modern psychology indicate that the feeling of hurt is recreated every time a memory resurfaces. Each instance of hurt is new, and every arising anger or self-hatred is a fresh emotion.
We get trapped in cycles of resentment naturally. It’s not something we consciously choose. It’s a habit we share with other animals. Take crows, for example—they develop resentment towards researchers who have caged and banded them. They express this resentment through scolding calls and mobbing behavior, which can last for years and spread through their community.
This example shows that resentment is ingrained in us; it’s part of our genetic makeup. Blaming ourselves for feeling resentful is pointless and adds unnecessary pain.
From the crows, we also learn that resentment serves both as punishment and protection. We aim to punish those who have hurt us and prevent them from repeating the behavior. This approach, however, often leads back to a culture of punishment.
Resentment is painful for those it targets but even more so for us. It’s like swallowing poison and waiting for the other person to die. Buddha taught that resentment is akin to picking up feces to throw at someone else; you’ll end up hurting yourself more than them.
These reflections help us see resentment as less appealing. When we realize we’re being resentful, we can lessen its impact by considering its consequences.
Forgiveness is the antidote to resentment. It involves letting go of ill will, not just to stop hurting others but to stop hurting ourselves.
Forgiving can be tough because we think we need to keep reminding the person who wronged us of their mistake to prevent future harm. But ask yourself: how much punishment is enough? Do they already know? Will they ever acknowledge it? Have you already received their acknowledgment or as much as you’re going to get? Is the pain you’re causing yourself worth holding onto resentment?
Remember, you don’t need ill will to protect yourself. If someone has the potential to hurt you, be aware of it and stay vigilant without harboring hatred. Trust yourself to recognize warning signs.
You don’t have to trust untrustworthy people, but you can remember their nature without involving resentment. Often, we resent people who no longer have an intention to hurt us, and they might even be people we love. In those cases, where relationships are valuable, it’s important to forgive quickly.
Practicing self-compassion is crucial for letting go of resentments. This way, you heal the old hurt and stop relying on ill will for protection—a promise it can never fulfill. Self-compassion provides the true protection that ill-will fails to deliver.