A common worry about self-compassion is that it might make us lazy and self-indulgent, leading to a lack of motivation. Self-indulgence involves avoiding challenges, which might seem beneficial in the short term but is harmful in the long run. People often think that being kind to ourselves means we’ll avoid doing tough things, but that’s not actually the case.
Self-compassion is about giving yourself support, understanding, and encouragement when you’re facing tough times. It helps you tackle your difficulties head-on. Self-compassion understands that real happiness comes not from dodging challenges but from supporting yourself as you go through them. It gives you the courage to face obstacles.
For example, imagine you had to give a presentation and it didn’t go well. A typical non-compassionate reaction might be, “I’m such an idiot! I always mess up. I made a fool of myself. I shouldn’t have even tried!” This mindset would likely make you even more nervous the next time you have to present, or you might avoid presenting altogether. This avoidance is a form of self-indulgence, a way to avoid the discomfort of challenging tasks.
A self-compassionate response to the same situation might be to take a deep breath, acknowledge your pain, and tell yourself, “This hurts, but I’m here for you.” You might remind yourself that nobody is perfect and that making mistakes is part of learning, especially when it comes to something as daunting as public speaking. You could also think about how you could prepare better for future presentations or ask a colleague for feedback to help improve.
Without self-compassion, it’s hard to do these helpful things because being hard on yourself makes you want to avoid thinking about your mistakes. Reflecting on failures becomes just another chance to criticize yourself. All you want to do is forget about them. However, lacking self-compassion often means you can’t forget your failures; your mind keeps replaying them, causing ongoing shame and humiliation.
Self-compassion provides the emotional resilience needed to bounce back from failures. It gives you the courage to pick yourself up and try again. It allows you to face feelings of fear, frustration, and shame when taking on challenges, helping you to continue moving forward. Self-compassion is not about indulging yourself but about supporting yourself through tough times.
It’s about being gentle with yourself and understanding that it’s okay to not meet every expectation or to make mistakes. Life will still take you where you need to go.