You might think that the solution to self-hatred is liking yourself, but is that really what we should aim for? We all have impulses like jealousy, hatred, and greed. Should we approve of these? Should we act on them? The idea of liking ourselves doesn’t seem quite right because when I look at myself, I see a mix of things—some that help my wellbeing and others that can harm it. There isn’t just one “self” to like.
I have many aspects to work with, including positive impulses, but also harmful habits like irritability, the need to be “right,” and depressive doubts about my worth. These habits cause suffering for both me and others. Hating these parts of myself just adds more negativity and conflict. Self-hatred is like being at war with myself, and in such a war, there’s no winner. As the Buddha pointed out, hatred can’t conquer hatred.
This doesn’t mean I approve of these impulses or want to act on them. Giving them free rein would just make my life more miserable. I certainly don’t like these destructive habits. To like something means having pleasant feelings about it, and I don’t feel that way about my irritability or self-doubts.
However, I can accept them and be kind toward them. Acceptance means acknowledging these habits as part of me, part of the emotional range I have as a human being. I didn’t choose these impulses, so it doesn’t make sense to harshly judge myself for having them. I don’t need to hate myself for being human.
In a conversation between two Buddhist teachers, an audience member realized that she could have compassion for herself without having to like every part of herself. This realization is crucial. We can show kindness and compassion to every part of ourselves, even the negative tendencies. These habits stem from suffering and are attempts to deal with painful feelings. For example, irritability tries to fend off distress, jealousy makes us want what others have, and doubt tries to pinpoint what’s wrong in our lives. Every unskillful impulse is an attempt to find peace and happiness, but they often fail.
The Buddha suggested that if letting go of unskillful habits brought pain instead of peace, he wouldn’t have taught us to do it. He didn’t see these habits as inherently bad—if they made us happy, we should keep them. But they don’t. Our goal is to find better ways to achieve peace and harmony. Developing “skillfulness” means discovering ways that truly bring happiness instead of suffering.
When we hate our unskillful tendencies, we treat them as enemies instead of confused friends trying to help us. By understanding what these confused friends are trying to achieve, we can find more effective ways to accomplish those goals. Mindfulness and self-compassion are powerful tools for this.
Our irritability and hatred might be trying to block out distress. Mindful self-compassion helps us see that the problem isn’t the unpleasant feeling but our resistance to it. It allows us to stay present with painful feelings until they pass, and this can even lead to appreciating what initially irritated us. Jealousy might urge us to grab what someone else has, causing pain. Self-compassion can soothe this pain and help us feel abundance, allowing us to be happy for others. Self-doubt might be a flawed attempt to fix what’s wrong in our lives. Mindful self-compassion reassures us that everything is manageable and reminds us of our intrinsic worth.
Practicing self-compassion is like being a kind, wise parent to ourselves. If a child misbehaves, responding with hatred isn’t helpful, nor is blindly approving everything they do. They need kindness, empathy, and wise guidance. This is also how we should treat ourselves to flourish and be happy in the long term.
Learning self-compassion is a skill that can be practiced and developed over time. Just like training any other skill, it involves repeatedly practicing identifying and stepping back from harmful mental habits, being kind and compassionate, and empathizing with ourselves and others. Over time, these practices can lessen self-hatred and promote a more compassionate mindset.
Self-compassion isn’t easy, but there are practices to help improve it. This lifelong practice involves consistently finding new ways to be kind to oneself. Starting on this path is itself a comforting step forward.