I’ve had a lot of people asking me about the “near enemy” of compassion, so let’s talk about it.
The concept of a “near enemy” is something that looks very much like compassion but isn’t. It’s similar to how you might mistakenly nurture a weed, thinking it’s a useful plant. The “far enemy” of compassion is clear-cut—it’s cruelty or indifference to suffering, the exact opposite of compassion. But what about the “near enemy” of compassion?
People often refer to this “near enemy” as “pity,” but traditional texts use the term “grief.” Compassion can fail when it turns into sorrow, which is closely related to grief. I’ll discuss three things that I believe can be near enemies of compassion.
First, let’s revisit the basics:
Metta, or loving-kindness, is the wish to bring welfare and good to oneself and others. Compassion is the desire to remove suffering, particularly from others.
1. Your suffering’s making me feel bad, darn it!
Grief implies a sense of loss. We may be attached to our regular state of mind and find it unpleasant when we see someone suffering. This disrupts our normal ego-centric sense of self. So, when we see someone in pain, it makes us uncomfortable, and now we’re suffering too. We might turn away or want their suffering to stop, thinking we’re being compassionate. But really, we just want to relieve our own discomfort. There’s no real empathy, it’s self-focused pseudo-compassion.
To truly empathize with others, we have to connect with our own vulnerability and acknowledge our own suffering. This is why starting with some self-compassion is necessary before we meditate on compassion for others. We also need to get comfortable with discomfort; otherwise, compassion can devolve into a self-pity party.
2. Stop the world, I want to get off!
When we become despondent by others’ suffering, it’s another way attachment interferes with compassion. We might get overwhelmed, especially if we feel helpless. This is sorrow, or failed compassion. We might wish to help someone with a terminal illness and feel distraught because we can’t fix it.
Or worse, we start thinking about all the suffering in the world and feel even more helpless. This is counter-productive because compassion isn’t about saving the world—we can’t do that. We should help where we can but not attach to the idea that we can fix everything.
Buddhist teachings speak of the “two arrows” of suffering: the first arrow is the inevitable heartache of witnessing suffering; the second arrow is our negative reaction to this suffering. The goal is to learn to bear suffering mindfully, without unnecessary reactions. Over time, we’ll improve at experiencing the first arrow without adding a second.
3. Poor you!
Another near enemy is a sense of superiority when we feel good about ourselves for helping those “poor souls” out there. This kind of pity is based on an implicit belief that we are better than those we’re helping. The real harm comes when we’re called out for our arrogance, which leads us to suffer from the “suffering of reversal.”
The remedy is to acknowledge our own vulnerabilities. Remember that, like everyone else, you seek happiness and encounter unexpected suffering. Accepting this helps keep our compassion grounded and genuine.
Doubt can be a major barrier. It’s easy to question if we’re practicing compassion correctly. If you feel despair, you might have tipped over into “grief” or “sorrow.” If it’s just an ache in the heart, that’s a natural part of the practice.
All these patterns are things we need to work through, so don’t be too hard on yourself. Recognizing these unhelpful patterns can help you address them sooner.