I want to share a method that I call “loving gaze,” inspired by Jan Chozen Bays and her concept of “Loving Eyes” from the book How to Train a Wild Elephant.
We instinctively know how to use loving eyes when we’re falling in love, seeing a new baby, or encountering a cute animal. But why don’t we use loving eyes more frequently in everyday life?
To start, try recalling a time when you looked at someone or something with love. It could be a beloved child, a partner, or even a pet. That sense of care, appreciation, and non-judgment can be very transferable. Once you’ve evoked this “loving gaze,” try turning it onto yourself. As you pay attention to your body, breathing, and thoughts, look at them with loving eyes.
After you’ve practiced this on yourself, extend your loving gaze to others—whether they are friends, strangers, or even those you find difficult to deal with. This practice can also extend to animals and all living beings.
I’ve found that using this technique quickly brings out feelings of loving-kindness. When we see the world with loving eyes, everything seems gentler and softer. The world appears more beautiful, and even the imperfect parts have their own unique charm. We begin to understand that our perception of the world is intertwined with our own experiences and emotions. As we change, our perspective of the world changes too, making our experience more loving and tender.
Chozen shares an intriguing insight about this practice, noting that seeing with loving eyes isn’t just a visual experience. It’s a two-way exchange of warmth. When we look at something with love, we bring warmth from our side and may also feel warmth radiating back to us. This can lead us to wonder whether love is a fundamental part of the world and if we’ve been blocking it out.
Try using this loving gaze in your meditation practice and throughout your daily activities. You can even start now as you read these words, and then carry this loving perspective into your next activity.