My sister Fiona passed away unexpectedly last month. She had been receiving cancer treatment for years, and every time the cancer reappeared in a different part of her body, the doctors managed to control it with surgery, chemotherapy, and radiotherapy. The last occurrence was in her brain, which upset her because she dreaded losing her hair again and wasn’t allowed to drive. Despite this, she didn’t think she was at imminent risk of dying.
She had just completed whole-brain radiotherapy and had started at-home chemotherapy. It wasn’t the cancer that took her life but a heart attack caused by the strain of the numerous drugs she was taking, especially steroids. Everyone, including Fiona and her doctors, expected her to live for at least another year or two. She was only 58 and knew she might not make it to 60. Fiona passed away at home with her partner by her side, which was a small comfort.
When a life ends, it’s a strange experience. All those unique memories, feelings, and thoughts are gone. Those of us left behind are left holding one end of a relationship, with nothing to connect to. It’s understandable why people like to believe in an afterlife, as my sister did after losing her youngest child, but that doesn’t resonate with me.
I’d like to share a few practices that I find helpful when dealing with death. Buddhism, for instance, teaches us to reflect on impermanence and death. The Buddhist scriptures remind us that we’re going to get sick and die, that we’ll be separated from what we cherish, and that this is true for everyone. This reflection isn’t meant to be depressing but to enhance our appreciation of life.
One practical application of this teaching is to ask yourself, “When I’m on my deathbed, will this matter?” If the answer is no, then it’s more manageable to let go of minor irritations, like someone driving too slowly or a spouse leaving socks on the floor. What truly matters are happiness, love, and meaningful actions. This awareness can also soften the shock when death arrives, reminding us of life’s realities.
Grief is painful, but how we respond to it can lead to more distress or greater peace. If we believe that emotional pain is a weakness, we add judgment on top of our suffering. Trying to push the pain away often makes it stronger because it represents a significant connection that’s been lost. Dwelling on fears of worsening pain or labeling it as unbearable adds fear to our grief.
Self-compassion is crucial during tough times. I’ve written about this in my book, This Difficult Thing of Being Human. Feelings, no matter how intense, will pass. Reminding ourselves of past pains and how they eventually subsided can be comforting. Once we empathize with our own pain, we can better understand and feel compassion for others.
If we lack self-empathy, our attempts to comfort others may fall flat, sometimes even causing more harm. Real compassion doesn’t try to fix grief; it acknowledges it as normal and supports the grieving person. Sometimes, simply being present or offering kind words can be helpful. Sharing positive memories of the deceased can also provide comfort.
Compassion for others also helps shift our focus from our own pain. Connecting joyfully with others, even at funerals, can bring moments of happiness. Celebrating the deceased’s life, as we did with Fiona by recalling her achievements and wonderful qualities, helps balance the grief with cherished memories.
Accept that the future, with all its anticipated moments with our lost loved ones, is just an idea. Grieving for a future that never existed can be lessened by understanding this perspective—not as a way to fix pain but as a way to reduce additional grief.
It’s also important to make peace with loved ones while you can. I’m glad I talked to Fiona two weeks before she passed. She was a private person about her health, and we usually communicated briefly by email. But that phone call was warm and left me with a positive final memory. Remember that life is short, and mending relationships now is vital because tomorrow might be too late.
This is a relatable story for many. Life is full of loss, but practices like meditation and compassion can help cope with grief. Reaching out and sharing this pain can help us understand and support each other better.