Most of our suffering is something we bring upon ourselves. When we remember past grudges or resentments, we tend to blame others for our pain. Although they might have indeed hurt us at some point, if they are no longer in our lives, it’s our own thoughts that continue to cause us distress.
There’s a 5th-century text by the monk Buddhaghosa called “The Path of Purification” that talks about this. He suggests asking ourselves why, if someone else hurt us, we should continue hurting ourselves. When resentful thoughts arise, being aware that we’re inflicting pain upon ourselves can be eye-opening. The person we’re upset with caused us pain initially, but now we’re the ones perpetuating it.
Although this reflection might not stop resentment immediately, it can reduce the flow of negative thoughts enough for us to start thinking clearly again. Buddhaghosa’s practice encourages us to recognize how feelings and thoughts influence each other. Resentful thoughts trigger feelings of pain, anxiety, and hurt, which then lead to more resentful thoughts, creating a vicious cycle.
The Buddha conveyed this idea with a metaphor involving two arrows. Being hurt is like being shot by an arrow—painful, but manageable. The subsequent thoughts we have in reaction to that pain are like being shot by additional arrows, one after another. Often, we inflict more harm on ourselves with our thoughts than the initial hurt caused by the other person.
Buddhaghosa provides other useful reflections. He notes that we’ve had to give up many things that brought us happiness over the years; therefore, why not let go of resentment, which only brings misery? He also suggests that if we disapprove of someone else’s actions, we should question why we engage in behavior (like anger and resentment) that we would find unacceptable in others. Essentially, we should hold ourselves to the same standards.
Moreover, he points out that if someone aims to hurt you, why give them the satisfaction of seeing you suffer? You might or might not make the other person suffer with your anger, but you’ll definitely cause yourself pain. These reflections serve as ways to mitigate the cycle of negative thoughts.
A helpful practice is to notice where thoughts and feelings arise in the body—thoughts typically come from the head, while feelings can be felt around the heart and gut. By doing this, we can better observe the cycle of resentment.
Practicing loving-kindness is also important. When we become aware of this cycle, we might start to criticize ourselves. Loving-kindness teaches us to be gentle, supportive, and understanding toward ourselves. Recognizing that we’ve been caught up in resentment, we can acknowledge our pain and offer ourselves kindness: “May I be well. May I be at ease. May I be free from suffering.”
None of these practices offer a quick fix, but they help us soften our resentment over time, making it easier to let go and find peace.